I'll See You Soon Then

 Bloggers,

I'm back.

This will not only be the final blog post on Discovery to Go but I promise to make it the most inspiring one yet. 

I began this blog as a way to express how I felt in a time that I felt less than voiceless. 

Young, a victim of sexual abuse and child pornography, house fires and homelessness (and everything else you have read!), I needed to turn this pain into a support system for others.

If I wasn't going to survive those years, maybe my mistakes or my journey would assist others to do everything that I did not - or even the parts I did right.

You know what, let's skip the recap. 

You have 7 years worth of posts that will always be available in times of need and remember that you can search key words regarding how you're feeling or what you're going through and it will direct you to relevant to posts. After all the turmoil and the tragedies that I had encountered, going overseas seemed impossible. As if maybe I was going to miss out on that too with the lack of support that I had and my financial stability always being non existent.

A month ago I returned from 31 days abroad in Dubai, Italy, France, Belgium and the Netherlands.

I can't express to you what it meant to me and how I feel and look at myself now compared to the very first post on this blog.

Listening to the aqua water caress against the gondola in the canal of Venezia, ever so soothing.

Comparing hygiene in Australia to the streets of Napoli.

Running on painful, pebble beaches in Menton, France with my brother and laughing (while crying) at my inability to stay on a stand-up paddle board in Cannes, France as he throws me off.

Feeling like I am in a school text book as I stand on the highest possible point of the Colosseum in Rome.

Being able to treat my brother who suffered with me through it all, in 2 European countries made my heart grow in size.

When I lived at my friends house fresh after the raid, I was home alone watching that family movie about the Loch Ness monster. The main character stood on one of the breathtaking hills in Scotland and he was laughing and looking for Nessie. I remember sitting on the sofa as tears pooled in my eyes and I thought, one day I want to feel free like that. One day that will be me. And I took a deep breathe in as the tears gracefully fell from my face and that's when I decided that I had to leave in order to let go.

Every day I walked the uneven roads of Italy and France in awe, in absolute shock that my heart, my soul, mind and body fought that hard for me, together.

Although thoughts and feelings were messy, like a drawing from a 3 year old, every part of me was over it.

I was an iPhone 3 who kept trying to do what the latest iPhone does without a service or upgrade.

There were times on my travels abroad where I was scared. A foreigner, alone, in a very big sea of sharks.

At times I felt small, unheard and mocked.

Learning multiple new languages, adjusting to jet lag and learning how to travel from point A to point B when I don't even catch public transport near my home was a challenge for sure.

I caught Covid the day I landed and had an ambulance visit in Bari, Italy and collapsed on the street in Brussels, Belgium and ended up in hospital for a few hours (oh and maybe was nearly arrested for being upset at their diagnosis) but I wouldn't change a second of it.

Since returning over a month ago, there hasn't been a shred of hate, anger or frustration within.

This journey was to help me heal. I needed that moment, far away from the trauma and people that told me I could never be more than the depressed and hurt little girl that I was. I needed to find peace with my past and my family.

Every move and decision I made since 2015 has brought me to this moment. 

When I see a shooting star soar the skies above or as I blow the burning birthday candles, I have always only ever wished for happiness or to be happy. Ever since I was 10 years old, I have never wished for anything but that and I don't know which candle or angel or which star actually worked but as of late, I truly feel it came true.

I know in the future I will feel hurt and pain many times again but there is nothing anyone could do to make me doubt myself and what I am capable of.

When I wasn't myself, over the years skills or "powers" were developed. Ones that allowed me to cope when I wasn't and how to detach rather than react or respond and how to avoid and filter relationships before they begin.

Those 3 alone were honestly the toughest. Oh, another would be genuine forgiveness.

For me to feel I can try having a new relationship with my mother I need to change my beliefs and feelings about her in order to be successful. I am roughly 3 months in to my attempts with this theory and so far so good but the outcome of that relationship simply cannot be predicted.

My father whom I haven't seen in a long time as we have a strained relationship was not only the first person to call me on my birthday but told me for the first time in 6 years that he was proud of me.

My eldest sister hadn't spoken to our family in at least 3 years (maybe 7), now messages me constantly expressing how much she loves and misses me with her sincere gratitude for our rebuilt and renewed relationship.

My little sister came and visited me in Sydney with her boyfriend and listening to her speak as a young woman in the dark situation she was in, made me so proud to say she was related to me.

The last 6 months have brought my family so close together because of all of the hard work and desire to be better for ourselves and each other. For the first time in years we have hope for our future and our families. 

Hope - the one thing we were robbed of for so long.

Like watching dominoes fall one by one, we had one unfortunate event after the other. One death, another series of abuse, more addiction and homelessness. It was like a broken horror film on repeat. 

That weight of a thousand unspoken cries and conversations broke me. It felt like I was dying from a terminal illness and the doctors then told me I wasn't going to survive just to be free of any sickness and pain.

I don't know if it's ghosts of my loved ones holding a light in a dark hallway or if I did this on my own or if God really does have a plan, but what ever it is I am forever thankful.

My biggest issue now is letting people love me, or allowing myself to love them back. But with all this love, fullness and security I have within myself, it makes me fearful to allow anyone to take even a smidge of that from me.

After years of loving people that could never love me properly or crying for attention from those that could never see me, these powers I spoke over earlier, carried me through those insufferable nights. The ones where I would take as much drugs and alcohol to numb me completely from the pain or the times my best friends abused and robbed me, I found my path - the right one. And I am never looking back.

Bloggers,

You all inspired me. When I thought there was nobody else out there to hear me cry, you read what I had to say.

As views grew, I realised I wasn't the only one staring in the mirror questioning everything I had ever known.

Some of you came forward with your own stories. Some never will but simply related. Some just stopped by to see where I'm at and maybe try and figure out why I am the way I am.

Whoever you are or for whatever reason, I pray that you use this blog wisely.

If you're ever feeling alone, unsuccessful, unloved, hurt, come here. Set your goals. Never allow someone else's judgement of you or even a group or office full of people deter you from getting to where you want to be.

Don't you fucking dare for a second think you deserve anything less than pure happiness. No matter what you think you've done wrong.

Don't settle for anger and frustration and working minimum wage.

Don't forgive people if you don't want to but if you want to, do it properly and mean it. You're fooling yourself otherwise and it doesn't make you feel any better - Trust me, I know.

If you're in school, stand up for yourself but don't be a bully. You're both going through something and you truly never know what one more word will do to someone. Another point I know ever so well.

If you're a business owner, treat your employees with respect - The same way you would treat your boss. 

If you're an employee - Don't be slack and unmotivated and expect to keep your job or to be treated like an equal. If you want to play hard then you work hard.

If you're lost and unsure of what's next and how to figure that out, I always start with a list. - What do you love? What is your end goal?  What skills do you have now or how can you attain the skills that you need? Now get it done. Only you can figure it out and only you can act on that.

Well, this feels weird but I guess....this is it.

What feels like a thousand life times has come to an end and it is time for I, Samara Ward to close this chapter and begin the next one.

You can follow my Instagram: @by.SamaraWard where I will post any updates regarding my new blog.

From one content and genuinely, happy woman to anyone else, I'll see you soon then.

- Samara Ward x