Blooming

 Welcome back my loves,

Where do I begin?

This week has been one hell of a rollercoaster but if you know me well, seeking adrenaline is something I revel in. 

Sometimes in life, we are stripped of everything we dedicated our time and energy to. This doesn't necessarily mean it was because of our wrongdoing but the simple restructure of life. 

In my case, the restructuring of my company. 

You know, it's been months, probably approaching the year mark now, since anxiety has been an emotion I have had to deal with. 

It was rattling my brain as to why I had ambulances arriving at my doorstep treating a potential heart attack or why I was waking up suffocating. The feeling of someone crushing my airways with every ounce of force imaginable.

Look at this precious life surrounded by new friends, a job I worked day in and day out to prove myself worthy of and experiencing so much love within such a short period of time.

Analysing every event in the last week like it were cells under a microscope. 

It only took my final breakdown today to truly understand why I had suddenly lost control of the mindset I thought I had conquered. 

Finding out I was being demoted, once again not because of my work ethic or something I had done wrong but because the company simply couldn't afford to continue the role that I had filled.

Honestly, I was ashamed. 

Leaving my hometown, isolated for 5 months, and having to rebuild my life from scratch to learn it was for no reason at all.

So, I began questioning what others might think of me.

She failed.

She wasn't as good as she thought she was.

Her success was far from that. 

It took me until today to realise that my company taking my title away, made me fear for the worst. 

I could never be the Samara Ward that I once was - that others once looked at me as. 

I spent years trying to prove that I wasn't my mother and even more time proving to myself that I was the independent, motivated woman that I had only ever dreamed of. 

Concerned that my image was a lie. A facade. A fake. 

Bloggers, if someone takes something away from you that you earned that does not mean you are any less than what you thought you were before. 

It took sleepless nights and even longer days to realise that I am successful and just because my title changed, that doesn't mean I did. 

I am still achieving everything I had ever wanted in this life and then some. 

You don't need anyone to tell you that you're on the right track because when you know, you know. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that success isn't determined by what we have done and achieved but by where we have come from to where we are now.

Living in the most beautiful city with endless opportunities gives me even more power to take control of my life once again and be the best version of I, as can you. 

I know my worth and every ounce of commitment that I put into my friendships, my work, my desire to continue to better myself. 

& all of a sudden, the shackles release once again and my wings spread wide as I fly to the next, life-changing experience that takes me further and further away from the dark past I knew I had escaped.

This life is full of sadness with pain that can leave others immobilized. 

But without pain, there would be no happiness.

Without hard times there would be no ease. 

Without music, we would never dance. 

My point is, we have to fall to realise where we need to rise.

A lot of the time we haven't actually fallen but we create this narrative in our minds that we need to be in the exact same place as someone else when in fact you're more than likely in the place you need to be. 

If I wasn't that helpless, fragile being all those years ago, I would not be the successful woman that I am today. 

Sometimes we need to scream to be heard. Sometimes we need to make a scene and other times, we need to learn to walk away from what we know deep inside, that we do not deserve.

Cutting ties with those that were mistreating me actually brought them closer. 

Only today did I truly understand how much of myself; my heart, my love, and my advice I offer to those near and far and often don't have the same support reciprocated. 

I suppose that's because when you have buried yourself alive once before and found a way to dig your way out, you wish for nothing but to be that hand to those suffocating under their own pile of dirt. 

About a year ago I planted a seed. I decided that enough was enough and my life wasn't reaching its full potential. 

Here we are now and this flower is finally blossoming.

We put pressure on ourselves to the point that we can't even comprehend where we are and what we want to do next.

You can't force a flower to grow any quicker. All you can do is nurture it and wait for all the leaves, the petals, and the land to flourish when it's ready.

What is meant to be, will be.

Stressing and fearing the worst and using the toxic term of "what if", does nothing to benefit your mind, your soul, and your spirit.

Another thing I learned this week was that our mental health is just as valuable as our physical and the two entwine-like vines. 

Make sure you hug yourself more. 

As blessed as I am, the ever-evolving and populated city can make a bed feel rather lonely.

But you know what, who cares.

If this is the sacrifice that I chose to make to be the woman that I knew I would always be, then I would sleep alone every.single.day. for the next 10 years because I have never felt so proud and strong in my own skin.

My friends and family broke me, snapping my bones, my ambitions, and my courage into a million pieces and spread them into oblivion.

When you desire something more beautiful than you have ever seen, the work, the effort, the hard times are all worth it.

So, when you're feeling down, confused, lost.. make sure these feelings are worth it otherwise you need to set them free.

No dove deserves to be caged. 

No dolphin deserves to be confined. 

No lion deserves to be isolated.

So fly, swim and roar so loud that those who doubted you and pushed you can feel, see and hear your presence. 

Take back your power.

Take back what is rightfully yours.

You only have one life but that doesn't mean you only have one chance. 

It is never too late to fight for what you deserve and for what you love.

Goodnight bloggers,

Stay inspired.