Overwhelmed

My mind is consumed at the moment.

High and low.

Overwhelming happiness and complete, utter, emptiness.

Let's go one thought at a time, although I will most likely skip many as they're never ending.

Firstly, University. I have spoken about this a million times but the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I have been contemplating not attending and going to a Film Academy for my screen writing Diploma.

Part of my wandering self is urging to move to Melbourne, July next year. Start in the second semester at a University down there and make a life for myself where I know no one. Not a single, reckless soul to collapse my immune system and successes.

Media advertising, screen writing and editing have all become significant keys in my desires for the future.

Some days I wish I could come home after a dissatisfying day and play playstation with my brother.

Hm, It's kind of like my last post with my best friend and her life moving forward.

So is my brother's.

I miss being so close to him all the time. Coming home, playing Call of Duty and playing detective, adding up the dots to my mothers where-abouts and suspicious behaviour.

This, underlying, lonely sensation has swallowed me whole.

I am giving and giving, like a homeless shelter, but I still don't feel connected. My connectivity is just as broken as my old lap top charger or Xperia Bluetooth devices.

My vision of crowds of friends are not what I had thought.

Being older, is lonely. And I am only 17.

Have you ever missed someone so badly but then remind your weak mind of what they have ridded you of?

Ugh, The pain feels like Piranhas feasting at my stomach, leaving nothing but emptiness and pain. So many hardships, blessed moments and everything in between. Shared with one person who can banish you from their lives within a tragic moment.

I want nothing more than to reach out for their understanding but the fear of rejection is imbedded into my insecurities.

Okay bloggers, my thoughts are absoloutly up in the air.

Some days I am struggling to wake up in the mornings. Forcing myself to sleep as early as possible and ensuring I have something to do all day long that doesn't consist me being alone.

How can I act as though I am so down?

Something is manipulating my emotions, surely.

Because I am inspiringly, consumingly, happy. I have never felt so blessed in my life.

I suppose the pure fact that I am uneasy, on edge and not filling my life with consistency, I am rocking with my emotions. Unsure to feel saddened or blessed for the life I am living.

It's been a while since I have properly seen my dad. In a way, he holds stability in my life. I feel secure around him. To be totally honest, I could do with a dad hug after the last few months I've had dealing with all these events and emotions.

There are so many events happening that I am not blogging about to ensure my safety. But, I want you all to know that although I am sliding down a very slippery, deep slope, I am going to wait it out and work harder to fix myself.

In a few hours I am picking my friend up from the airport as she moved away for a few months. I can't express to you how excited I am to finally be reunited with my most unique and creative friend.

Only if I had someone to talk to about all of this. Though, even I know the start to a relationship of any sort will always result is a goodbye.

Currently avoiding any good-bye's to prevent sever break down.

I am an ocean of the unknown.