Cutting Ties

A photo of my grandmother and I a few months before she had passed was mistakenly put in front of me.

My 18th birthday and I had to rush to the bathroom for no reason other than the fact that I truly missed her. It had been a while since I had seen that photo. One that my sister who no longer wishes to know me, was in.

A photo of death, abandonment and.. me.

I was right. Yet again, my intuition proves me correct.

My friends, my "best friends" had left me. There I was, 3:00 in the morning, drunkenly crying over my balcony contemplating what more I could have given to everyone.

No matter how hard I wish I could blame myself, which in a way, I do - I don't see, I don't know what more I could have provided. My money, my belongings, my empowerment and my home.

My motto; build or destroy. One that I pursued to my friends.

I only wanted those who had touched my soul to come to this day. With my best efforts, I tried to explain this to those who were disappointed by their non existent invite.

But, you see; The ones I said "maybe" or "no" to, are those who made it very clear to me. Like a glass ball peering into the future.

They abused me. Mistreated me and blamed me for their unhappiness. Some even blackmailing and threatening friendships.

So I have chosen.

Here I lay, beside Clarity. My new Siamese Fighting fish.

I am leaving. Leaving the dark side. Cutting ties a few weeks too early in order to save myself.

Like the foundation of a hospital, I built my body and mind. I was bull-dozed and self destructive. This week, I had not felt so consumed in my sadness in a long while. Though after my birthday, I realised who is there for me and who is abusing my hospitality.

"Why are you so nice to these cruel people, Samara?"
"What do they offer you that you don't offer them?"
"Do they make you happy?"

It is wrong for me to say that I didn't care how I was treated.

To me, lack of trust, pain and fake friendships were life. Acceptance. It was accepted by me.

My family, co-workers and classmates had all been my own personal bullies.

My strength in the last year had developed again and rapidly disappeared like the weight I no longer bare.

Oh how sore my tailbone is still and will be for quite some time.

Rebekah said happy birthday to me. My dearest sister, she messaged - finally.

By the time I could reply she vanished. No more replies and back to ignoring I exist.

Why can't she hold me? Tell me that she's coming back.

How could I forget those who left me to listen to psytrance.

I am struggling immensely with accepting those I am judgmentally stereotyping as "doofers".

My own best friend, left me, to listen to funky tunes and consume a large quantity of drugs. How am I supposed to accept the fact that they are all different? Not selfish? One with the Earth, with Nature?

The doof community.

I wanted to be a part of it once before, now the music tastes like poison. It still consumes me though.

It reminds me of many times.

I finally can access basic reading cards this week. To open my intuition, to test it for reality. Making my physical feelings to become verbal.

Also looking to find more novels by Gordon Smith. A medium from overseas who has quite a story to tell. Making it clear to see those who have seen wrong happen to this world are those who finally have clarity.

Oh bloggers, very scattered thoughts. Clearer mind.

I will be alone for a while as I have departed those who have killed me. But I shall remove this knife from the centre of my spine snd place it on my grave. The old Samara.

May she rest in peace.