I was shook to the core. I couldn't find the strength to pull myself together - in a way, that's exactly what I did. Other than the shaking, I swallowed any and all emotion to show my calm to those surrounding.
Still, 24 hours later, I have only sponteniously burst into tears but a few times. Strength is needed in this time. I have been doubting who I am, what I'm capable of and what I want to achieve because I was convinced I needed someone else to tell me I was worth it. It almost destroyed me knowing they couldn't..
I feel as though I am no longer tangible. A kite, maybe. Soaring- existing. Such a simple existence.
How could I possibly pretend my life is anything close to simple?
I have had some horrific thoughts as of lately. All this pressure and these emotions. These panic attacks. Suffocating on the daunting words you speak of and to me.
I was cheated.
cheated.
How could I believe in myself knowing I know nothing of the person who is supposed to love and support me?
In the doors of the court house, swallowing fear immensely, I decided to share my life with someone.
A leap of faith. A hand into the doorway of chaos and a life time of pain, loss and abandonment.
Maybe it was too early to determine whether or not someone was capable enough to hold the baggage that I carry. Then again, the last man that was meant to love me fled as soon as the police were involved in my mums previous drug situation.
Everything in my fiery body, from my head to my toes, lost all love for this person. He left me at a time where I was truly lost. Like walking the spooky woods at early hours of the morning with no way of contacting anyone.
Is this time the same as the last?
How many times can one person accidentally tell you that you're devalued by the things that make you, you.
I am defensive, I am aggressive and I am full of affection and adoration. My past is what makes me, me and nothing, to this day, has proven me to be wrong about my perspective.
So, for now the roof sits close to my head.
I'll sigh on and question what I do now.
I will continue to wonder if their touch, or their company was worth breaking me the way I am now.
and I'll still ask, why is my company worth nothing? Like a foreign coin in an international country. Useless.
I need to let go of those who damage my aura and prove to me on the daily that I am not important to them.
ugh,..
Still, 24 hours later, I have only sponteniously burst into tears but a few times. Strength is needed in this time. I have been doubting who I am, what I'm capable of and what I want to achieve because I was convinced I needed someone else to tell me I was worth it. It almost destroyed me knowing they couldn't..
I feel as though I am no longer tangible. A kite, maybe. Soaring- existing. Such a simple existence.
How could I possibly pretend my life is anything close to simple?
I have had some horrific thoughts as of lately. All this pressure and these emotions. These panic attacks. Suffocating on the daunting words you speak of and to me.
I was cheated.
cheated.
How could I believe in myself knowing I know nothing of the person who is supposed to love and support me?
In the doors of the court house, swallowing fear immensely, I decided to share my life with someone.
A leap of faith. A hand into the doorway of chaos and a life time of pain, loss and abandonment.
Maybe it was too early to determine whether or not someone was capable enough to hold the baggage that I carry. Then again, the last man that was meant to love me fled as soon as the police were involved in my mums previous drug situation.
Everything in my fiery body, from my head to my toes, lost all love for this person. He left me at a time where I was truly lost. Like walking the spooky woods at early hours of the morning with no way of contacting anyone.
Is this time the same as the last?
How many times can one person accidentally tell you that you're devalued by the things that make you, you.
I am defensive, I am aggressive and I am full of affection and adoration. My past is what makes me, me and nothing, to this day, has proven me to be wrong about my perspective.
So, for now the roof sits close to my head.
I'll sigh on and question what I do now.
I will continue to wonder if their touch, or their company was worth breaking me the way I am now.
and I'll still ask, why is my company worth nothing? Like a foreign coin in an international country. Useless.
I need to let go of those who damage my aura and prove to me on the daily that I am not important to them.
ugh,..
No comments:
Post a Comment