No matter what I seem to do I can't keep my body to rest.
Okay bloggers, despite my campaign against ICE addiction I have a confession to make to you all.
One you may be proud of, one you may be betrayed for.
For the last 4 years I have smoked marijuana every day, nearly any chance I can get.
This is the first time in those 4 years I have gone 4 days without it.
The easiest, yet hardest 4 days of my life. Whether it be freezing cold body temperatures or a cry that I don't understand.
I'm at the point in my life where change needs to happen.
I'm finally with a beautiful soul who has regularly spoken to me about children. Of course not right now, but as soon as we are both financially stable and mentally.
I never wanted children at first. I didn't think I deserved one, or could even be the perfect mother I wish I had.
Though now, nothing fills my soul more than the idea I could create something so beautiful that both me and my loved one had created.
I've lost so many people that I love dearly and my own child would give me a sense of security and love that I feel I never had.
As much as I wish upon a happy family that I built, I know we wouldn't be happy until I am financially and mentally stable.
Quitting smoking and trying my hardest to be the woman I want to be is the hardest thing yet the most exciting.
Unfortunately (and I feel deep pain for them), but I wish to be the mother both my parents never had.
Being as depressed and mentally unstable as I have been since I was such a young age, I know every angle of this world. How to be cruel, how to be kind and I can see straight through peoples intentions.
I'm 20? Less than a year ago speaking to my longest ever, best friend I still stressed to them that children just isn't an option for me.
If I can't be loved, what if my child or my babies father falls out of love for me?
I want to be in a position where we are all able to live the best life possible.
80-100 years seems like a long time.
The first 18 years is unfortunately a torturous time. Between school bullies and discovering who and what you want to be when you leave school.
After that is finding the strength and capabilities to find work or study in a field you love. Which thanks to Bond University, I have.
I don't want my child to not understand what it means to never give up, to never stop trying to succeed even if the world is against you.
You see, up until I was around 14 my mother was always there for me no matter what.
She lost herself, therefore I felt a part and something of me was always missing.
Even today at 20 when I break down in utter destruction, it's my mother and father I want close. Though I know they're never near.
Half the people I know tell me I am failing.
The other half remind me that if they were in my shoes, they would be in a much worse state.
I don't like to be alone. Even if it's just the love of my life laying beside me in silence.
for the 2-3 years I tried reaching out to my family, I received nothing but rejection or a call back that never occurred. (despite my brothers and one of two sisters).
Bloggers, I've spent so, so many years being the independent person that I am.
and I can promise you, even if it's for 5 minutes or 2 hours, I break down nearly every day.
I am no longer ashamed to admit that even though my life is excelling, I have my horrible days, and my bad ones.
No matter how many people tell me I am doing wrong, or need to change to their needs, I know that who I am is genuine. I give to those who deserve it and I love love like it's what the world depends on - which it does.
My beautiful boyfriend asleep beside me, through thick and thin.
I know not everyone is a psychic, and hey, maybe I'm not... but I believe we both deserve true happiness after everything we have seen in our lives - especially me.
To those of you who every left me because they didn't think I was good enough - sorry but F*ck you.
I am my worst enemy and my own best friend.
Thank you x
Okay bloggers, despite my campaign against ICE addiction I have a confession to make to you all.
One you may be proud of, one you may be betrayed for.
For the last 4 years I have smoked marijuana every day, nearly any chance I can get.
This is the first time in those 4 years I have gone 4 days without it.
The easiest, yet hardest 4 days of my life. Whether it be freezing cold body temperatures or a cry that I don't understand.
I'm at the point in my life where change needs to happen.
I'm finally with a beautiful soul who has regularly spoken to me about children. Of course not right now, but as soon as we are both financially stable and mentally.
I never wanted children at first. I didn't think I deserved one, or could even be the perfect mother I wish I had.
Though now, nothing fills my soul more than the idea I could create something so beautiful that both me and my loved one had created.
I've lost so many people that I love dearly and my own child would give me a sense of security and love that I feel I never had.
As much as I wish upon a happy family that I built, I know we wouldn't be happy until I am financially and mentally stable.
Quitting smoking and trying my hardest to be the woman I want to be is the hardest thing yet the most exciting.
Unfortunately (and I feel deep pain for them), but I wish to be the mother both my parents never had.
Being as depressed and mentally unstable as I have been since I was such a young age, I know every angle of this world. How to be cruel, how to be kind and I can see straight through peoples intentions.
I'm 20? Less than a year ago speaking to my longest ever, best friend I still stressed to them that children just isn't an option for me.
If I can't be loved, what if my child or my babies father falls out of love for me?
I want to be in a position where we are all able to live the best life possible.
80-100 years seems like a long time.
The first 18 years is unfortunately a torturous time. Between school bullies and discovering who and what you want to be when you leave school.
After that is finding the strength and capabilities to find work or study in a field you love. Which thanks to Bond University, I have.
I don't want my child to not understand what it means to never give up, to never stop trying to succeed even if the world is against you.
You see, up until I was around 14 my mother was always there for me no matter what.
She lost herself, therefore I felt a part and something of me was always missing.
Even today at 20 when I break down in utter destruction, it's my mother and father I want close. Though I know they're never near.
Half the people I know tell me I am failing.
The other half remind me that if they were in my shoes, they would be in a much worse state.
I don't like to be alone. Even if it's just the love of my life laying beside me in silence.
for the 2-3 years I tried reaching out to my family, I received nothing but rejection or a call back that never occurred. (despite my brothers and one of two sisters).
Bloggers, I've spent so, so many years being the independent person that I am.
and I can promise you, even if it's for 5 minutes or 2 hours, I break down nearly every day.
I am no longer ashamed to admit that even though my life is excelling, I have my horrible days, and my bad ones.
No matter how many people tell me I am doing wrong, or need to change to their needs, I know that who I am is genuine. I give to those who deserve it and I love love like it's what the world depends on - which it does.
My beautiful boyfriend asleep beside me, through thick and thin.
I know not everyone is a psychic, and hey, maybe I'm not... but I believe we both deserve true happiness after everything we have seen in our lives - especially me.
To those of you who every left me because they didn't think I was good enough - sorry but F*ck you.
I am my worst enemy and my own best friend.
Thank you x
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