Does anyone know the song, "Without You" by Harry Nilsson?
I remember I was alone at my friend's house one night, the one I used to live with after the raid.
I was stalking my mother's Facebook page since that seemed to be the only way I could be close to her. Communication at that time was scarce and it felt like I had truly lost the woman that gave birth to me.
It said on her page that she was listening to that song so there I sat against the wall, crying, just imagining we were beside each other listening to the same music.
At the time, it felt like that was the only way to keep her close. No calls were answered and faint messages were sent every other week (if I was lucky).
Even now, 5 years later, I suppose long and meaningful conversations don't come easy for us. Although I am miles and miles away, sometimes I wonder why it's ever so difficult for her to pick up the phone and wonder if I am okay.
I guess she knows I will message her if I really need her but sometimes I do wish I wouldn't have to.
One night maybe 10 years ago I was staying at my fathers' house in Ipswich. I was on a video call with my "friends" at the time and they were saying something that really upset me.
Often my father and brother would sneak into my room and see what I was up to as the door was directly behind me with my back to it.
As I was on this call they barged in and they made a sarcastic joke as they would do and I broke down in hysterics. My dad sat me down at the kitchen table and he asked me what I was so upset about. I remember telling him that nobody likes me and how I keep trying to make friends and no matter how hard I try they still tease me.
As a tear fell from his eyes he swiped it away quicker than a movie scene changes.
He embraced me with minimal words to say and they decided to watch a movie I had nagged them about all weekend.
I never liked crying in front of my dad. It was almost embarrassing but when I did I could see it broke him 10 times more seeing his little girl fall into pieces.
After the videos were found of me, recorded by my stepdad, and the police called me to come and look at them, I called my dad and told him what they had told me. The next day he drove all the way from Ipswich just to make sure I was okay and to give me support while writing my statement.
Honestly, bloggers, this post was not at all meant to relate to my parents. I guess marking my 7 weeks in the land of the unknown, still ever so lonely, I think about them and my past more than anticipated.
Being alone I can be the child that I was, the adult I wish to be, and the woman that I am today with no one punishing, laughing or socializing with me.
This can be both a blessing and a curse.
As I was saying, 7 weeks here.
I suppose when I moved here I had this plan in place. A plan that isn't going the way I had expected. One straight and narrow turned into a steep, steep, hill with a roller coaster, 95 bends, and a thousand obstacles.
Isolation isn't half of it.
I didn't get the promotion I came here for and the opportunity is now much further from my reach.
Without a plan, everything I do is as spontaneous as my life always turns out to be.
Like a telenovela.
Which reminds me, I really should get back into learning Spanish while I am in lockdown. Or was in Cantonese I wanted to do in the end?
On top of Seasons by Samara and going back to finishing my diploma.
Trying with everything inside of me to find that direction I yearned for.
The direction I need and deserve.
I don't know how I used to stumble through life going with the "what if's" and "let's see how we go".
So much energy and effort have been put into moving to Sydney and I just want to achieve so much more.
Looking down at the little girl I was with all these hopes and dreams. Ambitions and aspirations that were temporarily dimmed by the unfortunate events that took place, I finally can focus my energy on myself.
Welly boots on, blanket in hand, climbing horses in a small town I called home.
Damn, I miss Lowood.
Moving to the Gold Coast from a town with a population of 100 was something I had never pictured. Getting away from the children that made me feel horrible was exciting enough, never mind growing up and realizing how many more opportunities come from city living.
Now, 12 years later, I am alone in an even larger city of Sydney.
From Ipswich to Lowood, to the Gold Coast, and now to Sydney.
The city of lights increasing with every step I am to take.
The cards we are dealt or the family we are raised by does not limit us from achieving what we want.
One way or another, not the way I had hoped but everything turned out in the end.
Even though I am so far from the end, I am on the right track and my determination will be key in succeeding on this journey.
With everything up in the air at this point in time, I am quite frankly petrified but I am also so excited for what is to come. I believe whatever fall I will make next, I will somehow become even bigger and better than what I was before it.
To my future friends, you will never know the past of Samara Ward but that is probably best for both of us.
To my past friends, I wish you could have grown with me.
To my current friends, your support through my good days and my bad, make me truly blessed to have you by my side and I will never forget how difficult I have been when you stayed by my side. Through the good times and the bad.
To my family, we really are a mixed clan. A deck of wild cards.
We've all gone a year plus without communicating, whether it's now or a couple of years ago, but I do love and appreciate all that you have done. For the good examples to follow and the ones to guide me on exactly what not to do and who I don't want to be.
Not everything made sense in the moments we suffered. Sometimes we were apart, and some of us we were cried together.
Even though I am ever so far away, I think about you all the time and I hope you are all well.
I am becoming the best daughter and sister that I should be after a lifetime of doing all the wrong things (well, sometimes the right).
Always watching over from afar, whether it was back then or now and I've got you, whatever it is you need.
Maybe I should say goodbye to the old me as the new one doesn't have the capacity to mourne more than what I have done already.
The amount of funerals I have had to attend is enough to last a lifetime.
I have a good feeling about the new me although saying my last goodbye to the old makes me anxious.
Remember, Samara Ward, after all her loss, cannot fathom anymore goodbye's or unsupportive people. I have learnt that I am the woman that has my back more than any man, any friend or family member.
Although my own company can sometimes be a lot, I would rather that than be surrounded with fake love, fake friends and fake truths.
I have been hurt deeper than any scars, or should I say the scars that have been made are left of my soul rather than my skin.
But I will never let that reflect on the person that I am. I will never project that on someone else who is trying their hardest to cope with their life.
No one should be punished for the way that they are. People are created over time and aren't born horrible or sad people.
Inspiration and passion is created.
Blame is for the weak.
I must never blame others for my mistakes, but learn from them.
You are the only one accountable for what you do and how you act.
As I always say, you are your only worst enemy and the only person who can make you achieve all that you had wished.
Good night my loves,
Tomorrow is a new day and it's up to you to make the best possible decisions for yourself and your future.
When something doesn't go your way and plans change, find a way to lever your train back on its tracks.
I have so much faith in you, as should you.
You are invincible, I promise you.
Dream big and live large.
Faith, hope, strength and courage will take you places you never dreamed of.
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