There have been so many things that I have wanted to blog about, but not really sure how to explain it.
There are many things that I need to recall for you
- Tim actually got the job in JAPAN
- Christmas in Tokyo
- My grades - and BOND university
- My "friends" group
- School camp
- Moving back with mum
- The doof
- Formal and schoolies payment
- Car broke down
Okay Okay, So I already wrote about my dwelling sadness for my brother leaving me. Good news confirmed, he got the job in Japan. Rhiannon already blurbed to him how sad that I truely am and he was gobsmacked by this apparent "surprise". There it is, out in the open. He knows how I feel.
Although this saddens me to the point of a sleep coma, dad said, "Christmas is wherever you guys are", which means a white christmas for the Ward family! Tokyo, here we come! I get to spend this Christmas with Tim! Not only am I traveling when I graduate but with the two most important men in my life.
I'm sure I've touched base on this before, but I need to reevaluate how down this is making me. My careers counsellor literally just laughed in my face. Laughed at the fact that Bond University is the school I wish to attend. Sure, I don't know what I want to study, less than 6 months before I have to and out application forms for university courses, but going to Bond is the only thing I want more than passing the degree that I choose. Every one is telling me that there are other alternative pathways. I wonder if they realize how much damage they are doing indirectly saying that they don't believe in me. I know my grades aren't to a standard right now, and trust me, it's unfathomable how I feel about this. My future is all I have - I know this, but they don't.
I just returned (On Friday) from my year 12 retreat at Alexandra Headlands, Sunshine Coast. It was meant to be a camp to bring everyone together, though I feel like we fell apart. I saw the true colours of many people. My friends looked down on me, they spoke about me, spoke to me - rudely - and I realized that those were the people that do not make me a happy, or a better person. I found a true friend on the other hand. Dan. He was the only person to treat me like a person, a human being. He tried to not exclude me, he respected what I had been through and he made me feel like I was listened to. It came to show that old friends still stay together in the end. I came closer with friends I hadn't spoken to in a while and left the ones I always speak to. How our worlds are divided, I do wonder.
Last night mum was at Lynda's and was bragging about getting beds for me and sheets, etc. She was telling Lynda facts that I hadn't even decided on myself. It is as if she tried to have power over a situation that wasn't hers to take control of. I was almost certain into moving in with mum but now, maybe Lynda really is the best opportunity for me to learn and grow and be in an environment safe for me this year. Financial stability, hygienic place, rules and regulations and boundaries.
A week ago, my friends and I (my new ones), drove three hours to a place near Coffs Harbour where I lost my doof virginity. Yes - I went to my first ever doof. I know, I know, 17 years of age, year 12 and doing something this wild? My school friends already looked down on me for it. It was truly amazing. Yes, I was under the influence of what ever it was anonymous to readers, but I was dancing. I entered the middle of the dance floor, with a smile expanding across my face and I laughed. The beats were empowering and the vibes were sensational. Not only did I meet new people, but it was an experience like this that made me want to feel this happy all the time. Not under the influence, but in life. The older people who were partying with us seemed so content with themselves and I don't want to live the rich and wealthy life if that's what being happy feels like.
Did I forget to mention that my car broke down! Something in my engine broke in half. Not on this, but received at $150 fine, lost 1 point and was going 58 in a 50 zone. I guess you could say I'm broke now.
Back to the negative for a last moment: Since dad is losing money and mum can't support me at all financially, I am having to cut back on formal funding. We can't afford to get me a very special dress this year. I may have to pay for my nails and tan myself if I have the money. I guess that all sounds materialistic when I say it out loud. I mean, how much could you possible want to spend on a dress you wear for one night. I don't know, really. Formal just seems to be another wedding day. The celebration of no longer being at school every dreadful day. No celebration without Timothy though. Anyway, hopefully I can save enough money up for me to be my own princess on the 17th of November, 2016.
It has been the longest 3 weeks. Soon I am looking forward to going to a punk or rock band to discovery other things I'm into. Trying to find more things in life that make me happy. Maybe I'm on the search for happiness even though I should be happy on my own, with the presence of myself.
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