Testing for Sanity

QCS

The biggest test for all OP students across Queensland. The one thing that determines my future and the opportunities that I can access.

SO, there I was. Preparing for the practice test which I was unaware we were receiving. Sure, I can answer some mathematical equations but honestly, I am unable.

The English practice test came naturally to me. I was stoked at the marks I was handed with. But, this is Maths now. The numbers, the figures and the little pictures that equate to some enormously different meaning behind it that I most definitely do not understand. It is literally as if I am looking at some coded abbreviation that can only be read by the Ancient Egyptians from another dimension.

Okay, I hit breaking point. Shaking and quivering, I was unable to finish the task. Escalated breathing and lack of oxygen. Oh no - Panic attack.

Leaping for the hills, I result in sitting in the girls bathroom waiting for a fresh taste of air. Breathable air. Air which is hard to find while suffocating in the scent of toilet.

After leaving the test room I return to a most unfortunate response. Declined Centrelink Payments. The most dreaded thing I could be faced with in the past few days. I am honestly unable to continue this front when nothing, absolutely nothing, is providing me with financial and emotional support that I need.

Life loves throwing boulders at my life and my ability to keep moving forward.

Why do I panic in the presence of mathematics? To be honest, It's whenever I enter the test room with 100 or so other students writing like a hurricane and pressing buttons on their calculators as if it's an episode of Family Feud.

I don't understand why I am so, difficultly different from my fellow peers.

My body is so weak. I have hardly eaten in days. Maybe my body is rejecting me for rejecting it. Oh I'm so sorry, my poor self.

Viewers, I used to be able to sit in that test chair and write like there is no tomorrow. Used to write as if I truly understood the words and clip art on the paper, but now - I am unable to stand 20 minutes in a room with the same people.

I wasn't born this way. I was created this way.
What I have seen and what I have done have moulded this unfortunate soul to the weakness that I have become.

Is this some silly excuse for being mathematically illiterate? Do I just fall under pressure in the same arena as my other classmates.

6 more months and I'm out of here. Always needing to remind myself to just breathe and everything will be okay.

I don't know how to cope. Though I know I will find a way.