Okay
Here I am, returning from work. Oh, I have a Japanese face mask that has patterns on it and slimishly plasters itself onto your face.
I was thinking hard and sincerely. It is time I remind myself of who I am, what I want and who I don’t want to be.
Here I am, and I have forgotten what it feels like to be, me.
Sometimes when I am scattered and piled upon by thoughts, I forget where it is I wish to see myself in five years.
Is it possible that my future pathways have changed?
Something sad is inquiring inside of me. Something deep, dark and unfulfilled is consuming my body. I can literally feel the energy be warped from inside of me. The more enthused I become, the less capabilities I have to complete tasks.
Another point which is suffocating me entirely.
In the past week my friends have; insulted my hair, told me I have gained wait in both the waist and the face, insulted me in front of my family and sister and belittled my ideas and decisions.
Finally, after many months of battling with this issue, I have decided: My energy, my time and my tears are not worth anyone. Not even my soul sisters or best friends. It’s me time. A time to discover who I am, and even if I have no body left, I know I will find those who support me and wish me well for my future.
Unfortunately, I am constantly torn by those closest to me. Only now and I rapidly finding the strength to pursue this ambition. To find happiness and pleasure with those I surround myself with.
I have gone through 17 years of hardships, bullying and people coming and going.
I’ve had my step dad hang himself, no contact from my older sister, a previous step dad pass and previously junkie for a mother. I can stand up for my wellbeing. I can stand up and speak.
I spoke out to hundred of politicians about my story. I told teens my age and people 40 and older how to overcome and how to make a difference. I need to remind myself of the voice that I do have. The voice that has so much to say, yet so little that escapes. I will overcome this sadness, this suppressed emotion in which I am not letting going of.
Goodbye horrid friends. Samara is me. and I am a woman with no disadvantages. I make my own choices, my own destiny is in the palm of MY hands.
17 years of problems, let’s take on another 60 years worth more.
I just pray that the Lord has his hands intwined with mine. Walking into the big world feels as though I am blind folded. Dear Lord, assist me in building the best version of me possible.
As for my family who are discouraged by me, I am sorry that you are disappointed that the mere thought of me being my mother is affecting our relationship. A deep and heavy reminded to you, I make my decisions. I will never be my mother. If I am constantly harassed about doing better than her, I can promise my ambitions and drive will soon and slowly vanish.
A mind so cluttered, overwhelmed and fearful, like my own, can only withstand so much negativity before I come crashing down.
Don’t forget, I always come back from my falls.
Goodnight Bloggers,
Remember, You come first. Not friends, not family, not school or bills. What’s the point of it all if you lose yourself on the journey?
x
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