Searching for love

A burden; A deep, painful reminder that I am unable to understand.

I no longer have the ability to freely open up, despite my original belief that opening up is easy.

An open book, I am. Ask me a question and I'll share with you what exactly it is that's swelling and developing inside of my broken brains.

Every vein filled with blood, throughly flows beneath my skin. As if every pump of oxygen that escapes my heart discovers something new within me.

Seeing someone new has opened my body up to the possibility of something new.

"A big change will happen, and then it will happen again"

Something said to me before this big move to the center of the city and then finding someone I can restfully communicate with, without feeling as though everything that I am faced with, is wrong.

I can honestly say I am so afraid. It took me a while to realise that the positive things in this world, are the ones that leave you painless, numb, distraught and eventually, saddened by the realisation that we all die alone.

Some day I wish I have an impact on someones life the same way my grandmother had on mine. The brightest star that hovers my car when I drive, the star that captures my glimpse when I am outside, is the light created from her spirit.

How is it I was so young, so misunderstood to see that her illness was nothing but a depressing fear of being alone.

Who I was a year ago is someone I could never recognise today.

Oh lord, I am so fearful of the year to come. We can't live our lives running from the "what if's".

How can I love someone, or accept love when the mere concept doesn't feel real? Every one turns, everyone is cynical. I can't even rely on myself to have the same opinion for the rest of my life.

As for my friends: I am so sorry that I was not the person who I was when we first met. My desires to experiment, to discover the best me possible, has made me choose decisions that may or may not have affected you in the ways you wished.

I contemplated messaging or talking to those who ave distanced from me, until I realised that they left me in a time of need. A time where I needed someone to be the anchor. The anchor that keeps me in tact with who I was. Now I have completely changed and I am all alone, remembering that you can't trust anyone.

I may open up to you, but understand that the deepest, saddest parts of my mind are unable to rejoice with new relationships. My insecurities, my mindset and my urge to love someone with every bit of hatred I have towards myself, are toxic to those I surround myself with.

Only if I could run my fingers across a heart as troubled as mine. Someone who understands the feeling of abandonment, the need for change and the memories of pure sadness.

The other day, a "friend" cursed me. She cloaked me with sayings of my similarities to my mother. Repeatedly telling me that I will end up like her.

My father and my brother pressuring me into the mere thought that university is somewhere I won't end up. I fear the verdict if this is the case. I don't think I am able to survive the thought of failure. University; if you don't accept me, I could never accept myself for this.

If my writing doesn't take me places, I could never raise children and expect them to strive for their own successes.

Some people are born great, some people are made. I just pray that I am one of those people who fall under the category of "great", even better, "extraordinary".

I used to feel the potential burning within myself. The urge and desires to share with the world who I am, where I came from and what I have faced gave me this irritable need to be better, has slowly broken and slowly vanished as parts of myself have too.

"Everything you face now is preparing you for what you asked for"

This is probably the most inspiring quote I could ever come across.

It's true -100%

I sat in my car for hours, for days, living house to house for two weeks before I could move into my new home.

I had to face real issues legally and at home in order to realise true lessons about independence.

My heart was shattered before I could understand what pain feels like.

My mother left me for a year, with a man, before I truly learnt what it's like to be a woman.

My family fell apart and then I realised that I make my own sisters.

People come and go, but I am forever stuck in my own skin. I must learn to love myself, and remember the genuine self that used to surface.

Reality check, Samara - you need to find your happiness again.

I am not sad, just lost. Lost in a world of messy.

Heavenly father, capture me when I fall, and provide the light to ensure Satan doesn't have the capabilities to grip me before you do.

Bloggers,
LIFE WILL ALWAYS SHIT ON YOU.

You learn, we grow, die old, discover young. You create your own potential. Just make sure you don't cloud yourself with negativity in order to free your mind from illness. Illness - depression, anxiety, abandonment. I have felt it all, till my body was numb, till I could cry no more. This was the biggest lesson of them all. My heart was heavy, my friends were non existant, and my family had faded away. Living alone, living with those against me and living in a world where everything happens for a reason and usually without warning. It's up to us to keep on going. It's up to us to love someone or somethings even when we can't look in the mirror. Even when our fingers press against the keys and we have nothing to write about because we are blocked by darkness..

Discovery A Go viewers,
Samara Ward is I. Another reminder of who I am to myself.

Happy

Just keep telling yourself, you are happy. Maybe it's a lie, but eventually you believe the lies you tell yourself. My mother taught me that.