My Kryptonite

WELCOME

The first post in a while where I am caught in one of these inspired, intellectual moods.

I have many many assignments to complete within the next three weeks and I know that everything will be okay. Every task, I am able to complete.

I know tasks are complicated, and it seems as though no matter how much time and effort I have been putting in, I am getting nowhere.

Supposedly I am yearning for love. Maybe from friends, maybe from others.

Must I pause.

This post just took a rapid turn of events as I received a message from one of my friends.

She claims that I should be more selfish if it means detriment to my health. HA!

The friend I woke up at 4am for every day for a week and then the following few days and occasional afternoons. From Gold Coast to Brisbane with the return rides by myself.

She gave me enough for journey, no excess, and you know what, I did not care.

Every other one of my friends were cursing me for being so polite but I was sure that It was okay. Why wouldn't I help my friend? I know that one day I will need a friend to return the favor. It's all good karma, really.

It makes me feel horrid. I feel as though I am a battery that can no longer be recharged. Slowly, unfortunately, failing to connect.

What I realised is that, my mother keeps saying, "Heidi's just stressed. she doesn't understand. forgive her".
My father kept repeating, "Tim's dealing with his own things. Let him deal with it his own way".
The councillor said to me, "She's dealing with a lot, especially with her parents. They'll come around".

Meanwhile, everyone has been abusing, ignoring, neglecting and not acknowledging my feelings while using me as a punching bag for their emotions.

It's as though everyone is telling me to deal with everyone else's rippled-effected actions which destroy me.

Tim throws a punch, Heidi rolls out punchlines and father, he does not behold a filter.

Oh how I remember him calling me pimple face and every piece of security and confidence that i had; vanished.

Sometimes I just wish my family saw the good I behold and my friends saw my intentions.

I mean, This whole time I had thought that being a good friend would result in returned affection but if anything, I feel as though they try to have something on me.

In deep need to begin a flame and roast my Lavender incense to cover up the smell of burning sadness.

Ugh, I wander my fingers across key pads and contemplate how satisfied I really am with my life.

Always torn between point A and B.

I would like to know, If I am the punching bad for everyone else's emotions, who is mine?

Could my punching bag be the fluids I upchuck when I drop pills and capsules of a beaming sensation?

No longer do I cry. Although, I did the other day. I can't assure you that I cry as often as I used to.

It's as though I am intently more confused, and satisfyingly emotional, but -

Something is wrong but something inhumane is holding me close, ensuring me that everything is okay. I can feel the presence of someone or something containing my emotional outbreak. Oh God, somebody is watching over me.

Just like the woman who did my readings had said.

Life goes on