Still dwelling on questions about life that people don't dare to ask unless they're lying on their death bed.
Sitting in a car at eleven o'clock last night, I contemplated. Is it worth getting close to people we know will leave? Is it bad to give ourselves to people at the peak of mere loneliness?
At the end of year twelve now and it's becoming quite obvious what is happening as the future steers near by. We are all going our separate ways.
Boys I loved when I was ten, to girls I spent the last five years befriending - travelling, moving and job searching in places I never wish to observe.
The world is moving forward and me, I am trying to keep up.
It felt so right to go to Bond but it seems just a few conversations with my brother, he is slowly persuading me otherwise.
I feel horrid for second guessing bond. As though I am cheating on the one thing that kept me going the last few months. Without Bond, where?
Bond is what gave me this image of a self, preserved, intellectually, capable, woman. What if I go to UQ or Southern Cross and my ambition or at least, the image of my potential, will vanish a long with the versions of me that so desperately wished for Bond.
My brother says I will regret spending so much money on the university, though what if in ten years time, I regret nothing more than not accepting the invitation to study at Bond.
Every second day I find myself researching plane tickets. Either the greenland of Scotland and the views of the loch or scarfs and coffee while riding a Gondola through the watery canals of Italy.
Oh, the Harry Potter studios back in London. Standing on Platform 9 and 3/4. How I miss my distant family in the UK. My memories of this snowy wonderland were nothing but gorgeous. The Queens Castle and the enormous rocks that rested above the green lands.
The dungeons, devoured in darkness and everything in this world that frightened an eight year old girl.
As we speak I am currently booking my first sky dive. Nothing calls for me more than jumping out of a plan more than 14,000 ft above the ground.
I'm afraid once I jump, I'll never want to land again.
Last night I had a horrific nightmare.
Whilst visiting my friend today I saw her black, cat which I always come in the presence of.
In this moment, shivers controlled my body movement. My eyes began to water as a powerful reminder of what I had dreamt, came over me.
An overwhelming image that threatens my comfortability in the presence of a cat. My favourite animal, I am scared to lay a finger on.
I recall kneeling down holding a black cat in my hands. I was so afraid, it felt as though a deed had to be done in order to fix the situation. A deed I didn't feel comfortable doing.
Hysterically crying, I look down at this beautiful, glossy, cat. It seemed to have hurt its leg. Watching and listening to the cat in distress I break it's leg. One by one, snapping the legs from the body. The poor, helpless species screeching for it's life. As I looked at his facial expressions, I remember thinking "how is this cat not bleeding out?", so I held it like a newborn and cried with it because the pain I had felt was also as unbearable.
I can't begin to explain how vivid and frightening this nightmare was. Hopefully this isn't the beginning of my monthly back-to-back episodes of Nightmare On Elm Street.
Anyway Viewers,
Life is moving forward and I am stuck between living in the moment and focusing on my future. Despite my best efforts to try both, it's not exactly working hand in hand with my alternative agendas.
Eventually this obstacle will be completed and I can return to studying my university degree. Only If I had a platform 9 and 3/4's like Harry Potter. Consisting of a world beneath the tunnels where I can escape to. A world made for me.
Until next time
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