Epiphanies or understandings?

Discovery viewers,

What exactly is an epiphany?

The above is of course, Googles translation and understanding of the word. 

Well, you see, in the past month I have had multiple epiphanies. 

Ones about friendships, relationships, and of course, me. 

As I visited my mother for the first time in a while I had told her some of the illegal, inappropriate and unbelievable tasks that I have committed myself to. 

I suppose, I saw her reaction and briefly reflected through her eyes. Am I any better than her? Am I doing everything she is now, just 25 years younger?

She had children at this age, and allegedly missed out on all her party stages - despite what her past relationships say - and I am 17, without child and am able to soar through my mishaps and reckless doings.

The bells clanging together are cloaking Surfers skies. Over powering the voices of crashing waves and police sirens. 

My epiphany, in that moment, gazing into my mothers living room was in fact that we have no place to state an opinion on someones life. She ruined me. Left me, chose crack over my non existant soul. 

But, she was sad. Is smoking marijuana or a cigarette in stressful moments a different concept to smoking pipe. Each a blazing drug of burning smoke. 

I used to stare at cigarettes butts and see the rose. The rose that blossomed in the flame but withered with no light. 

Another epiphany I stumbled upon in a daze; This entire blog consists of finding myself. I have mentioned this before. I changed, I was a professor wearing a clown mask. 

Call me Krusty the Clown. Trying so desperately to prove myself to be someone that I am not. A careless, unorganised, party raving, teen.

Ever since I was 12 years old I found myself connecting with the wrong relationships. Something told me that those days were over. Until the storm calmed and I had time and a physical and emotional capability to get my life back together.

To find new friends, new people, like me. Exactly what Heywire was about. Now it seems eventually Samara became someone unrecognisable as I have discussed before. Though, evaluating the pros and cons of being an alien in your own skin, evolution became a turning point.

After my interview at Bond, my meeting there too and the applications for a new job, Samara is back. Well, mostly. Old habits
die hard, or stay the same. You couldn't possibly expect me to change to the old me over night. Instead, I am mediating.

Meeting myself in the middle.

The realisation was that, I was trying to be nothing like my mother, by being everything that she was. I tried so hard for my families approval that I realised, they're all distant in the near future when it's time I become my own independant, woman. 

I relied on my friends, foes and those I surround myself with to lead me in some direction that may or may not tell me what I am supposed to do next.

Like the Tsunami in 2012, I am a wave of dysfunction.

Bloggers,

it's okay to be... you.