Unsure

A swift kiss, pressured into my cheek.

A few moments before I realised it had happened.

The first touch of affection, drunkenly, that pursued my skin.

Waking up with gloomy skis and the clouds sobbing immensely. A reflection of the way I feel inside.

I had a barbecue last night and the night before with a group of old, yet new, friends. After my old ones left me, I found myself turning. A monster in my own skin. I had felt that if my friends had left me, that made me a horrible person.

Eventually I had come to terms with the fact that no one has stability. One day, Satan may consume me, and another be an angel. The same goes for my friendships.

The ones that are weaker than I, are the ones that left.

I can't express to you the dwelling, shattering, useless feelings of being unwanted. Especially by your own mother, and sister.

That kind of  suffocation, that kind of toxic turmoil compares to nothing. It's worse than death. Because the living, breathing soul that was meant to love you, says they do and then vanishes into thin air.

This sounds completely mental. But I think I'm becoming more attached to myself and the world. I mean, I am foreseeing events, objects and sometimes I question whether or not I'm delusional or actually seeing someone through another's eyes.


I've been getting feelings in my gut. I now can now predict when something bad is coming. These feelings aren't my lunch digesting. Or dehydration. My stomach literally turns. It's as if I'm about to be sick but I know I won't. And my body goes tense and all I can keep saying is something bad is going to happen. This has happened on multiple occasions in the past few weeks and seems to only be coming more significant.

I have been faced with questions I should contemplate. Who am I as a person? Where am I going? Constantly feeling like everyone thinks I'm that barackoda in the swimming pool. The object that goes around cleaning the pool and everyone else's dirt althoug everyone runs away in fear.

I recall never entering a pool with one of those "creepers".

The other day as I rest on my couch I awoke in sweats again from my nightmares. A demonic creature was chasing my friend and I in circles. We would run through a door which would lead to the same room. Like an acidic loop on repeat. Always at the finger tips of a monster.

As I get older I am seeing the world for what it is. I just wish I could do more for those who have little to nothing and over come the insecurities I am sleeping with.