Black Hole

I have returned.

Or have I not?

Maybe I am here but still, not really here at all.

"Depression"

Something I had swallowed at the deepest, darkest, corners of my minds. Considering that I am simply overly dramatic about my emotions. For the past 12 months, I had considered my feelings to be self endured.

Self motivated.

I mean, that is what everyone I surround myself with has told me.

"Why won't you tell me what you're thinking?!"
"You can't dwell forever, move on!"
"It's not that horrible, you're over exaggerating."
"Why are you so emotional?"

I have chosen to not let 2 days ago be the day I became "depressed".

Because I have been battling with myself for months, even years.

I've become so lost, so unknown to myself that I had insisted it was all my doing. Always felt a planet away, in a sea of misfortune.

Like a rusted car in a shed.

Once with potential, now gone.

Reading my previous blog posts I can see how the older I have become, the more transparent people, life and obstacles have become.

Watching the skyline of buildings yet again, I ponder on my present, past and future. Though when I try just that little bit harder, my mind is fogged.

Like entering a car on a winters morning. No vision through the glass, still fogged when you wipe the condensation away.

My father on the other hand, is hardly on board with helping my mindset.

"Lay off the pot".

As if a few doses of a medicinal plant has become the reason I am utterly vanishing in my own skin.

I finally gave myself the confidence to take charge in my surrounding situations. I have moved on from letting those walk all over me, though a enormously, painful sensation domes my body when they reject me.

It's as though if I am not doing anything, I am stranded in the darkness.

A black hole has consumed me.

I can't pretend as though my life is only depressing. Because I strive for those moments where I am caught laughing. Caught my eyes fishing for something to yearn for.

Rich buildings, city streets and ocean waves.

I am on the most beautiful city, and I appreciate that more than you can imagine.

I cherish everything just that little bit more, and I suppose it's lonely when noone can see through my eyes.

I will find the light at the end of the tunnel, every day until I die.

Amen.