I remember one night of 2015. Sam, mum and I had been arguing frequently and in their drug infused ways, decided it would be a good idea to write down a list of our problems and one by one discover a solution for each issue.
At first I was enraged. I wasn't able to cut their opinions off and to defend my point of view. Looking back at it now, it was probably the most sensible way to confront ongoing problems.
I feel as though a part of me is sitting in a dark room. My back against a cement wall with my knees to my chin. Arms crossed and silent cries escaping my zombie like face.
I am stuck between confessing my thought channel and keeping silent of my misfortune and fears.
I am to push myself this week in order to find work. Only hoping that finding a job will encourage that enthusiam I used to behold for life.
The thrill of waking up every morning knowing that I am to achieve something great.
At one point in my life, I was constantly empowering others. Not an ill word was said. Now it's as though I don't have a care in the world. I'm just drifting.
Like a cloud on a full moon.. Like a plastic bag in the wind.
I feel alone when I am not. I can't decide whether or not this is self-inflicted or I am surrounding myself with people who make me feel this way.
Maybe I am just dissaopointed in myself. Not a phone call from the family without being reminded of how incredibly horrible I am doing achieving what I wanted to.
The world around me is yet again moving forward. It seems as though I have been frozen in time. Like the conspiracy theories of Walt Disney.
Hell, this whole planet is a conspiracy theory.
God, please help lift me from this pit. Ten feet under like a very, very diceased being.
Speaking of; I cannot help recently but to think of my grandmother. If I could have that one cigerette with her, or the last dance in her living room.
To taste that last sip of Port or instant coffee and 2am on a school night.
My skin feels touched, but not held.
My tears feel pointless. Like an aeroplane crash landing.
Bloggers, although I am feeling dull, insecure and overwhelmed right now, I know that I will survive.
A diamond in the rough like myself can conqurer but only the biggest of battles.
You have the potential to be whoever and whatever you want to be.
Forever and always,
Samara
At first I was enraged. I wasn't able to cut their opinions off and to defend my point of view. Looking back at it now, it was probably the most sensible way to confront ongoing problems.
I feel as though a part of me is sitting in a dark room. My back against a cement wall with my knees to my chin. Arms crossed and silent cries escaping my zombie like face.
I am stuck between confessing my thought channel and keeping silent of my misfortune and fears.
I am to push myself this week in order to find work. Only hoping that finding a job will encourage that enthusiam I used to behold for life.
The thrill of waking up every morning knowing that I am to achieve something great.
At one point in my life, I was constantly empowering others. Not an ill word was said. Now it's as though I don't have a care in the world. I'm just drifting.
Like a cloud on a full moon.. Like a plastic bag in the wind.
I feel alone when I am not. I can't decide whether or not this is self-inflicted or I am surrounding myself with people who make me feel this way.
Maybe I am just dissaopointed in myself. Not a phone call from the family without being reminded of how incredibly horrible I am doing achieving what I wanted to.
The world around me is yet again moving forward. It seems as though I have been frozen in time. Like the conspiracy theories of Walt Disney.
Hell, this whole planet is a conspiracy theory.
God, please help lift me from this pit. Ten feet under like a very, very diceased being.
Speaking of; I cannot help recently but to think of my grandmother. If I could have that one cigerette with her, or the last dance in her living room.
To taste that last sip of Port or instant coffee and 2am on a school night.
My skin feels touched, but not held.
My tears feel pointless. Like an aeroplane crash landing.
Bloggers, although I am feeling dull, insecure and overwhelmed right now, I know that I will survive.
A diamond in the rough like myself can conqurer but only the biggest of battles.
You have the potential to be whoever and whatever you want to be.
Forever and always,
Samara
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