Fragile Strength - Gone

Okay bloggers. It’s about time I return after these last few long months and keep you updated on how I am doing.

Life right now feels like the ocean. It’s mysterious, it’s wonderful but it also has depths and danger of the unknown.

I started, finally at the University I have only ever dreamt of being accepted into. Even my peers now questioning how I found the funds for the prestigious college as well as the intellect.

It’s sad really. All these known faces not knowing my complete potential. Ever since I was running around half naked and it being acceptable, I was writing literature for everyones eyes and ears. Some of my closest friends showing me saved notes of inspirational messages I have pursued them with. 

Walking into the doors of my first classroom - seeing multi cultural bodies and heads bleeding with ideas on how to change the world like I.

My heart beat racing with anxiety, I sat there in silence with a grin stretched across my thought process.

It feels as though maybe I am capable of being who I wanted to be and going where I wished to travel. (Check Blog Post: JK Rowlings for more on writing)

The water blanket that covers the perimeter of the University, so peaceful. So beautiful. Like the clarity of the water reflects my emotions when I’m near by.

I remember when I went for my first interview over a year ago. They had asked me countless questions to consider my application after the lack of effort I put into year 12. Of course if you’re a regular reader of my posts you would know exactly what I’m talking about.

One question in particular which seemed to be the hardest to explain but the easiest in such little words.

“Why is Bond the University for you?”

I sat in silence with an awkward expression for about 20 seconds before the words just fell from my tongue.

“Honestly. My brother graduated from here. When I come here -“ I froze for a brief moment to recapture my sentence.

“Bond is the place for me. I can’t explain it to you, it just feels.. right. It makes me happy”.

Although going to back to school is amazing there’s another war coming my way. One I have been battling since I moved to the city of lights. 

Gold Coast seemed so luxurious and organised when I had first moved here. So many hopes and dreams in every vehicle that drives past - and compared to Ipswich.. that is A LOT.

Sometimes it feels like a rabbit hole. The one Alice in Wonderland fell into. This never ending darkness that I keep sliding down. As of lately the satanic vibes people around me are providing are consuming me from the inside out. Torn between I am just like them and I will never be who they are.

My soul doesn’t strive to be a negative. Sometimes I am easily influenced by others around me. Just like putting Mentos and coca-cola together creating a chemical reaction inflicting an explosion. 

I wish I could pick the flowers from the ground and they would spawn back to life. Like my life, even though I am a diamond in the rough, I am hoping my worth is still full.

Right, back to the war zone.

As much as I would like to tell you all every detail of my happenings, I can’t. Some to protect myself and most of the time to protect others.

Someone closest to me touched me in a way I never wished to be touched by them again. It was like the angel had been taken away and consumed by evil. A lion fish. So unique and magnificent but at a single touch, pure destruction. 

My swollen, bruised ankle, just days before I start Basketball is just a reminder of where I’m really from. Well not where I’m from but where we have ended up since being welcomed to the Gold Coast and its public issues.

As my hair was pulled to the entrance of a house I was never welcomed at, I realised my family had truly let go.

We are all alone now. Every single one of us. 

Tim is doing everyone so proud. The only person who inspired me to be who I can be. Who pushed me to my limit and began my obsession in basketball, screen play and Bond University. It is his foot steps I am following. They’re huge and sometimes a little hard to reach but just like the rattled bones in my body, I am strong.

Heidi is missing everyone dearly. It would be hard being 12 years old, no father and a brother and two sister whom ran away. 

Rebekah is Beck. Replying slowly and hiding away behind her walls in the castle guarded by Siberian Huskies. 

Hurting my family feels like laying on a bed of glass and more being thrown at me. Even worse when I see other negative beings do the same to them. So why is it that the are surviving doing what they had done to me?

Something has been playing in my mind as of recent. Something I had thought I put to rest which I now understand maybe I had not.

Like a chair in a station I sit there effortlessly, and no matter what I do, this weight sits on my chest. Like I will never have control over what is going on. 

I close my eyes and I see you, Sam.

I’m taken back to the first time I sat naked, sobbing effortlessly on my bathroom floor. Embarrassed, ashamed. I felt dead to the world.

The outcome of me being so zombie like, similar to lifeless Zombies in Call of Duty. 

How long does it take to get over your step father recording you naked? a year? two?

I still cringe when some people touch my damaged skin. Do I deserve you? Do you deserve me? Will you break my trust too?

Seeing my naked body that I had no knowledge about in a police station in front of another male was one of the most degrading things I have come across. Like a snake shedding its skin for the first time. Completely and utterly re appearing from my shell. 

Maybe this is all because my life is finally where I wanted it to be. Now that I am finally knee deep in my dreams I can reflect on the past and what I have now. 

No more demons in my closet, The world knows me and what I have gone through. (Check out Haywire 2016 winners. Search “Sarah” that’s me. Due to legalities and content of story my name is anonymous)

Anyway bloggers, It’s been one hell of a first month to the year but I am excited for what the future holds. So I’ll be back in my spaceship and headed to Mars in no time. I hope you all see my writing and my name presented in the near future. To inspire you all on what you can achieve, what you haven’t and remind you all that no matter how tough life is, you can be whoever you wish.

This blog has recorded many moments in my life over the last 3 years and I wouldn’t have been able to make it without Discovery A go.