Defend Your Independence

It's crazy.

Having a very certain feeling about a situation and within a few hours everything fall at my feet like leaves falling from a tree on an Autumns day. 

I don't understand, my brain is baffled. Like a shield trying to deflect any negative energy, I am taken to my knees. My thieves, the ones that promised to never leave, who stole any ambition, any love that you had and ran. 

How can those who touch your soul the way that they do and leave you like you're nothing but a stupid, laggy connection, game on your play station?

Like that, gone. An epiphany like no other. 

My eyes are blurry as if I were to be 10 drinks deep at the night club that I wish I were at. 

Be strong, like I am. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am loved.

I repeat to myself over and over again until the rain drops fall away.

A scent, in something yellow, that I hold close to me. Just like Mr. Teddy, a character in a children's book I am currently writing. 

Something that now keeps me safe when I know no one else can.

Maybe that's why I am no longer afraid to walk towards the scary sounds. The things that once made me tremble under my sheets until it would go away.

I know that if I don't face it, who else is going to protect me better than I? I have been doing it long enough.

Not only that, but I believe God has a plan for me. and if I were to die, even tomorrow, there would be a greater meaning to it. Maybe it would be unfortunate in my life, but could potentially change someone else's. Or even better, many others.

It's time I love myself more and more each day. Water and shelter myself like a sunflower that I am.

The thunder, the storm that I am.

The beauty and the humble that I am.

The strength and the light in the darkness that I am.

The perseverer that I am.

Never give up. You are all that you have. If you fall... it hurts so deeply to say, but no one. no body. no soul will catch you.

and it's time to learn that maybe that's okay.

That's just one huge, next step or curve into being the independent person, or woman that I am. That I am going to be. I believe in myself. 

Even though some days feel foggy, like cloudy days are never ending.

But I will find, but not search, for the one that won't belittle the things that make me, me. But use them to remind me of the person that I am, or that I could be.. 

Which is someone and something of greatness. Not what you see on the outside, but the journey that I battled against to be able to write and share with some tragedies, yet some beautiful, inspiring, stories.

Some that are hard for me to share but am slowly realising may have the capability to change so many lives.

So many people told me, or made me feel that what hurt me throughout my life was a "norm" or not that bad. Till I realised that was just a handful of people in the world, probably just protecting me from over reacting. 

Though I wish I had someone to come to me and tell me that they could relate. So these lonely nights didn't feel so cold and empty. The closure you could receive from knowing that someone out there just gets it, as it is. Raw, dirty and dark. A blessing in disguise..

I have a learnt a lot over the last few years since beginning this blog but I have so much more to go.

Good luck viewers, I have faith that you will all find your way in these lost, confusing moments. Think positive thoughts when you doubt yourself, even though it's hard. Make it a habbit and you will do just fine.

God bless x