The deep mellow drowning in and out of my ear drums.
Fading in and out of consciousness.
Half dream land half reality. Maybe a third not here at all.
I am learning the hard way that saying "Good bye" to things we love doesn't come easy.
I feel someone's bending my back bone, snapping all my morals and self respect in half. Like a led pencil, I'm jagged.
Anyone else feel like their daily hustle doesn't stop? Their good days aren't necessarily just bad, they just have no purpose, no direction?
My professional career. I finally narrowed it down to all of the goals I am ready to achieve. I am ready to be empowered like never before.
Another reminder that the man who promised to love me unconditionally will never love me or treat me the way I deserve.
It's hard having a mindset like I and being so against families or potential hope that a love will never die.
Being touched the same way Snow White did. Sweet yet poisonous.
Enough to take the kill.
I feel like a clear shot, Sniped by M40A3 Sniper Rifle. Trigger pulled by the one I fuelled. The one I built. The only one I loved.
I am excited for my personal life to calm down so I have an opportunity to show you all a different style of writing, a professional one.
One that can connect to you all on another level, not just this way, this emotional.
I reached out to my father after 6 months of being apart. The burning desire to be hugged by the only man who should truely protect you was ever so powerful.
Bloggers, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me still.
You can grow, you can seek and reach out and explore and change yourself a thousand times over but never seek acceptance or love from anyone but yourself.
I mustn't let my dads hatred, darkness towards this universe effect me. As a woman, as a daughter. As a human.
Dear old me,
It hurts when I flash back. When those white sheets became your dark hole. The place to hide, to fade away and to never return. A shake at a simple touch, A fountain of tears and any raised volume; music, anger or peace.
Allowing those closest to you to take all that you have built. All that you have earned. You forgave too many times. Over and over. Like lining up to a roller coaster ride at a Theme Park.
Stood in front of the bathroom mirror in fear, not with cameras.
No direction, you were so sad. So empty like the Goon sacks I'd often finish.
Dear old me.
You didn't have a roof over your head or a set of warms hands to hold yours. Lots of men, many women tried to take you down when they fell too.
You started making music and blogging. An outlet; words other than the "why's?" I sent my family or the sound of cries and screams.
I needed a new sound ringing through my ears, new literature on my eye lids.
You lost all that was given to you, and left with what you've built on your own.
A sign from God you don't need anyone or anything but yourself.
Using my University degree to not only keep me on top of those that held me down but to enable and encourage me to never give up. I am where I wished to be, even when old me appears.
Bloggers,
I feel stuck. Like I'm trying too hard to go up or move forward but when I look beside me I am all alone.
My life, every months goes up and down like a child on a see-saw but my day is coming where I don't have to use my past experiences and lessons as a guideine. I'll just be,
and that be will be Happy.
Fading in and out of consciousness.
Half dream land half reality. Maybe a third not here at all.
I am learning the hard way that saying "Good bye" to things we love doesn't come easy.
I feel someone's bending my back bone, snapping all my morals and self respect in half. Like a led pencil, I'm jagged.
Anyone else feel like their daily hustle doesn't stop? Their good days aren't necessarily just bad, they just have no purpose, no direction?
My professional career. I finally narrowed it down to all of the goals I am ready to achieve. I am ready to be empowered like never before.
Another reminder that the man who promised to love me unconditionally will never love me or treat me the way I deserve.
It's hard having a mindset like I and being so against families or potential hope that a love will never die.
Being touched the same way Snow White did. Sweet yet poisonous.
Enough to take the kill.
I feel like a clear shot, Sniped by M40A3 Sniper Rifle. Trigger pulled by the one I fuelled. The one I built. The only one I loved.
I am excited for my personal life to calm down so I have an opportunity to show you all a different style of writing, a professional one.
One that can connect to you all on another level, not just this way, this emotional.
I reached out to my father after 6 months of being apart. The burning desire to be hugged by the only man who should truely protect you was ever so powerful.
Bloggers, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me still.
You can grow, you can seek and reach out and explore and change yourself a thousand times over but never seek acceptance or love from anyone but yourself.
I mustn't let my dads hatred, darkness towards this universe effect me. As a woman, as a daughter. As a human.
Dear old me,
It hurts when I flash back. When those white sheets became your dark hole. The place to hide, to fade away and to never return. A shake at a simple touch, A fountain of tears and any raised volume; music, anger or peace.
Allowing those closest to you to take all that you have built. All that you have earned. You forgave too many times. Over and over. Like lining up to a roller coaster ride at a Theme Park.
Stood in front of the bathroom mirror in fear, not with cameras.
No direction, you were so sad. So empty like the Goon sacks I'd often finish.
Dear old me.
You didn't have a roof over your head or a set of warms hands to hold yours. Lots of men, many women tried to take you down when they fell too.
You started making music and blogging. An outlet; words other than the "why's?" I sent my family or the sound of cries and screams.
I needed a new sound ringing through my ears, new literature on my eye lids.
You lost all that was given to you, and left with what you've built on your own.
A sign from God you don't need anyone or anything but yourself.
Using my University degree to not only keep me on top of those that held me down but to enable and encourage me to never give up. I am where I wished to be, even when old me appears.
Bloggers,
I feel stuck. Like I'm trying too hard to go up or move forward but when I look beside me I am all alone.
My life, every months goes up and down like a child on a see-saw but my day is coming where I don't have to use my past experiences and lessons as a guideine. I'll just be,
and that be will be Happy.
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