Only Human

Woah, this roller coaster of emotions is mind altering. 

Reunited with the emotions of anger, fear, anxiety and stress.

An exploding urge to bury my head in the sand. To irrationally do what I wish to. To go off road. Uncontactable. 

This disappointment. Disgust. How many fucking people can you give your heart to that will not just trample on it but infect it with the belief that I will never be worthy. Be one with any.

Love is never unconditional. There is terms and conditions and rules and regulations and criteria. If you don’t reach these specific goals you are not ABLE. 

The horrific words, the bullying, the mental abuse. What makes you the King of my ambition?

What makes you the narrator to MY STORY.

What makes YOU, YOU?

Do you see me for me?

These life experiences that lead us and shape us to deal with situations the way that we do. 

Bloggers. I have been painted to be this monster, this person that I would blog against. I would discourage you all to be like me. The me that was painted.

I must remember, though I am not a painting. I am not someone else’s product. I am the product of myself. 

Your life... is your life. You do not obey anyone, you do not confide in anyone, you do not believe in anyone but yourself.

How many times will I have to re-learn that no one will be there for you but yourself.

No one will love you fully, like yourself.

No one will catch you, you have to heal yourself.

Trust. 

I told you who I was and why. 

Why?

Mother, where are you?

& father?

Do you think of me at all anymore?

I think about you every day.

You two will be the lyrics to my songs and the back story to my novels. 

Plot Twist..

My brother comes and stays home. Reminding me of that warm, protective feeling once again. The supportive family sensation only he could provide. 

The court dates are over but some days I feel his burden arises. 

Creating this version of I that I barely recognise.

It’s harder to do and to deal with everything when there’s an army of enemies shooting bullets. Bullets filled with everything that I was. A painful, disastrous concoction of everything monstrous. 

The ache filled drops that fall from my golden brown eyes, are just a reminder that I am only human. and I am still doing what I can to survive in a world I am forced to call my own.

Don't fill this void with Xanax, making memories distorted, essentially easing the hurt temporarily,
or finish a bottle of sweet, mind altering wine to help forget.

Learn to deal with this wound.