One Foot First

The last few weeks have rattled me to the core. 

I've had to question everything, everyone around me including myself.

I spent months changing myself. I thought it was for myself, but I wanted to be the spitting image of the ones I was constantly being left and replaced for.

Lips plump like pillows, jewellery after re-piercing. Weight loss and gain to luxurious lashes and hair dyes after make up products.

This constantly changing person doing little for herself. I thought I was doing it to feel beautiful till I met countless people who told me otherwise. That this image that I found to be perfect, to be the only type to find love, is wrong. Is nothing but a false version of I hiding me from the light that really shines through my Aura.

I let someone who told me they loved me, walk into my home and meet my siblings. My mother and father. Now a burden that I must carry. Now the consequences smash me like the 60km/ph car crash I had. T boning another and falling graciously to my feet as I scream in horror.

Screaming once again, for my father. 

How can someone who loves me do this to me?

How can someone who wanted to protect me now take everything I have and burn it to the ground?

My family, my friendships, my security and my trust. 

Here I am, still waiting for the call. 

Whether it be "I'm sorry" or "I'll change".

But then I realise, even if I were to get a call, how could I just forgive and forget?

Bloggers, the man I loved with my entire heart bought another woman.

Bought.

Thinking about it makes my hands shake. 

I can feel my heart throbbing inside my chest. 

My nose bleeds becoming more regular, only assuming from the never ending stress I am undergoing.

Loving someone who tell you that you are nothing in this world and don't deserve any better from anything or anyone.

Knowing my journey with my family, my mother especially. Yet he hands the vices to her on a golden platter and I am left in the dark.

The only "step"-sister I had left. Trying to make her feel special and not I.

I believed that if you treat people one way that is how you will be treated in return.

Standing in the steaming hot shower last night, as the waters slid off my arms and to the empty floor. I will never teach my children that if you are nice to people, they will be nice back. It's a lie.

That's preparing my children to be ever so corrupted when people hurt them. Which will be a life times worth. 

I shall tell them that being nice is what makes you a good person, but sometimes, others are troubled. Others have been taught different lessons and sometimes people are not capable or reciprocating the same respect and emotions.

But it's not my child's fault and I will do whatever it takes, within my power, to protect and to encourage and to support them through what ever journey God takes them through. 

To my unborn child, I am so excited to make sure your life is full of happiness and I will gift you with the knowledge on understanding. 

To myself,  right now, the ripples on the canal amongst my balcony is the peace that I need. Like the birds that float on top or the leaves drifting afar, I must let go.

You are more than what you have convinced yourself of. That he allowed you to believe.

Fuel your happiness, not your ego.

I'm sorry it ended up like this.. More sorry that anyone could imagine. Sorry I couldn't help you, sorry I couldn't help me, or us. 

Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for those moments filled with laughter that my mind captured in freeze frame so my soul could never erase them.

I put a lot of sweat and tears into the last two years and it's hard to admit I failed. We failed. Each other.

Bloggers, times can be difficult. Times can be rough but remember you have been through worse and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

But only if you keep moving forward. 

Baby steps.

You've got this, I believe in you.