After all this time, all these years. Yesterday I had to face a feeling I had felt just once before. On February 18th, 2015.
The morning I lied asleep besides my first love before being woken by police and the departure of my family. Leaving my home, my safe place, in handcuffs.
Little did I know that would be the last time I'd be a family, in my family home.
Police.
The people that are supposed to protect us.
They do, mostly.
Every encounter I ever had with one I was never the suspect but always the victim.
Yet I am afraid.
The power of a man. The power to destroy, to take, to control.
In the name of the law.
They don't care about the families they tare apart.
Hearing someone I love is in danger of being taken the exact same way my mother was.
You think you're safe.
I tried my hardest to ensure steps were in place to prevent this inevitable destiny.
It didn't work, it never does.
Thinking of all the horrible people inside of this world. All in one place, the place you will eventually be sentenced to. If not now, in the future.
Just knowing, better than them, exactly how psychotic people can be.
How people think.
What they will do to keep their power and their strength and their position in the eyes of their peers.
If he is taken again, if not now but eventually, he will never go back.
Can he now?
Can I?
What friend puts their other relationships at risk for the selfishness of a crime that only benefits them?
As the tears belted and as I tried to hide them, I remembered how I felt when my mother caused my home to be raided.
At first I felt sad and guilty. Like my poor mother is in a cell right now, cold, afraid, alone. With the world nastiest women that I know she is nothing a like.
Then I was angry. Frustrated, I hated the whole idea, the complete concept of what she had done.
Knowing the consequences and still putting us a risk of losing one another.
That's how about the one I love now.
My prayers will always be to protect them.
I tried to and I failed.
Though it was never my job and is even less so now.
I was replaced.
Yet, still, hoping something good comes from meeting him.
I tried for years to escape all of this.
The raid, the feelings of abandonment.. Questioning if and when my mother was ever coming home.
Her addictions, breaking the law, neglect, failure to put me first, always and whenever.
The things those two have in common.
The ones I expected the most love from were the ones that did so the least.
I was sitting in court cases for 2 years. I travelled every dark place in my mind.
I needed something to help me realise that none of this is my fault. That I am loved and I am worthy and I am nothing like either of them. It is them who is burdened and had made me think that it was I.
Despite what they had done to me, I never left their side. Encouraged to find work when unmotivated. To eat when not hungry. To love himself inside and out, even when our bodies change. Expressed that forgiveness will always be available if you're genuinely ready to try again, or ready to be better.
This is a huge wake up call.
I just turned 21 and I'm back to square 1. 16 waiting on court notices, alone. For someone else when the one I wanted left.
This time, it's me.
I am better and brighter.
I am a good person.
A young writer.
I have bad days, I feel depressed and unworthy. But I'm realising it's because I leaned so much on someone who was happy to lie to my face every day for months on end.
Not only asking to date other women, receiving provocative photos and videos as well as meeting up with them (more than once). I somehow let the small mistakes that I had made, bigger than what they were. Making me believe that it was I that wasn't good enough.
It was all an illusion.
I am on top and I am ready to work hard and play harder.
Start finding that spark again.
The feeling within when someone looks at me like I am all that matters.
Oh God.
I see why you brought me back in time. I relived the same outcome twice now. I need to change.
I need to grow and depart from those around me as I have out grown them and they are more toxic to my life than I could ever need.
Grandma, Randall - Hold me, please. These next few months I'm going to need as much help as I can get. The next year to come will be my best year yet.
The morning I lied asleep besides my first love before being woken by police and the departure of my family. Leaving my home, my safe place, in handcuffs.
Little did I know that would be the last time I'd be a family, in my family home.
Police.
The people that are supposed to protect us.
They do, mostly.
Every encounter I ever had with one I was never the suspect but always the victim.
Yet I am afraid.
The power of a man. The power to destroy, to take, to control.
In the name of the law.
They don't care about the families they tare apart.
Hearing someone I love is in danger of being taken the exact same way my mother was.
You think you're safe.
I tried my hardest to ensure steps were in place to prevent this inevitable destiny.
It didn't work, it never does.
Thinking of all the horrible people inside of this world. All in one place, the place you will eventually be sentenced to. If not now, in the future.
Just knowing, better than them, exactly how psychotic people can be.
How people think.
What they will do to keep their power and their strength and their position in the eyes of their peers.
If he is taken again, if not now but eventually, he will never go back.
Can he now?
Can I?
What friend puts their other relationships at risk for the selfishness of a crime that only benefits them?
As the tears belted and as I tried to hide them, I remembered how I felt when my mother caused my home to be raided.
At first I felt sad and guilty. Like my poor mother is in a cell right now, cold, afraid, alone. With the world nastiest women that I know she is nothing a like.
Then I was angry. Frustrated, I hated the whole idea, the complete concept of what she had done.
Knowing the consequences and still putting us a risk of losing one another.
That's how about the one I love now.
My prayers will always be to protect them.
I tried to and I failed.
Though it was never my job and is even less so now.
I was replaced.
Yet, still, hoping something good comes from meeting him.
I tried for years to escape all of this.
The raid, the feelings of abandonment.. Questioning if and when my mother was ever coming home.
Her addictions, breaking the law, neglect, failure to put me first, always and whenever.
The things those two have in common.
The ones I expected the most love from were the ones that did so the least.
I was sitting in court cases for 2 years. I travelled every dark place in my mind.
I needed something to help me realise that none of this is my fault. That I am loved and I am worthy and I am nothing like either of them. It is them who is burdened and had made me think that it was I.
Despite what they had done to me, I never left their side. Encouraged to find work when unmotivated. To eat when not hungry. To love himself inside and out, even when our bodies change. Expressed that forgiveness will always be available if you're genuinely ready to try again, or ready to be better.
This is a huge wake up call.
I just turned 21 and I'm back to square 1. 16 waiting on court notices, alone. For someone else when the one I wanted left.
This time, it's me.
I am better and brighter.
I am a good person.
A young writer.
I have bad days, I feel depressed and unworthy. But I'm realising it's because I leaned so much on someone who was happy to lie to my face every day for months on end.
Not only asking to date other women, receiving provocative photos and videos as well as meeting up with them (more than once). I somehow let the small mistakes that I had made, bigger than what they were. Making me believe that it was I that wasn't good enough.
It was all an illusion.
I am on top and I am ready to work hard and play harder.
Start finding that spark again.
The feeling within when someone looks at me like I am all that matters.
Oh God.
I see why you brought me back in time. I relived the same outcome twice now. I need to change.
I need to grow and depart from those around me as I have out grown them and they are more toxic to my life than I could ever need.
Grandma, Randall - Hold me, please. These next few months I'm going to need as much help as I can get. The next year to come will be my best year yet.
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