Today was one of my better days.
I caught myself smiling, laughing, and having to calm myself from over excitement.
In saying that, I still woke up at 2am, tears strolling down my emotionless face.
Ever seen a zombie cry?
Like someone with botox, feeling one thing but not being able to tell. My stillness, my calmness in my cries, making it flat and dead. The same way I felt from the inside out.
It's like losing your best friend.
It feels like you've been taken by death.
Blood that has been shed.
The hollowness in my screams.
One minute you have someone you can tell anything to, feel anything around, act any way you are and not feel judged for it.
All those late night to early morning conversations about everything, about anything.
To the next moment, just wondering. Just questioning. Just lost.
I don't allow myself to open up very often. At least to a very, very small and very classified group of people. Well, two individuals really.
There's a part of me that looks back still. When I walk into my front gates, or when I get out of a vehicle. When I arrive on campus.
Maybe if I look back I'll see you again.
Maybe you're there.
Maybe my best friend is sorry.
Maybe they do care and their phone broke. Or maybe he's just been sad too.
Or maybe -
Maybe he just never cared at all. Or maybe he did. But just maybe, his life was more important and his problems were worse than yours.
Every night you spent pitching him ways to become and to do better. All the days we drove around for hours and spoke about who we were and where we wanted to be.
How even though our up bringings were so different, we wanted the same things in life, for others and for each other.
"At the end of every day, no matter what, you know it's always you".
That used to be enough.
Now, I don't know if anything will ever be enough to make up for this.
I believe all these blogs in the last 2 weeks are just God's way of showing me that I can move forward.
In order for us to move on, we must face our demons. No matter how hard it is.
Even though it feels like someone is stabbing me rapidly from the insides out, trying to crawl from my stomach to anywhere - anywhere but within, I know this is how to release all the depression I am holding onto.
Bringing me back to something I learnt years ago, we cannot change someone. They can only change themselves. We cannot blame ourselves for someone else's actions.
And we cannot hold onto what we cannot change.
Samara, you have been through this and more.
Death, cheating, abandonment, homelessness, isolation, bankrupt, sexual, mental, physical and emotional abuse.
You are more than capable of waking up with a smile on your face as you know how blessed you are to be where you are and to be who you are.
You do not rely on anyone to tell you you're good enough, to give you answers that you need or want.
There is no point or positive outcome from chasing someone or something that is causing you so much pain.
So much brokenness.
So much doubt.
No one is too busy to make sure your heart is not shattering from having to let your baby go.
No one's problems are too big to make sure you're okay.
To make sure your insides are healthy.
"In sickness and in health....Till death do us part"
I guess not in sickness nor in health.
Or death nor life.
Nor together or apart.
An infinite amount of moments I allowed my best friend to abandon me over and over again.
It is time.
Time to fly high.
Release and to let go of what was and to accept what is and what is to be.
My 21st birthday approaching less than a week away.
I'm excited to look around at who shares this day with me.
To see who my real friends are. To see who values and wishes to share these special moments with myself for I have made it this far.
And no heart break, no loss of child will change that.
This year I could have been a mother, but God convinced me I could be greater first.
So he removed not only the baby but the man who could never love me the way a partner should.
Although it hurts, I prayed and my friends around me prayed on my abortion day, for true happiness. For love and lots of support throughout this journey. Even though I feel empty and alone, I know this is God answering our prayers.
For better or for worse, I am finally seeing the road again. Seeing clearer. My tunnel vision is leaving but I know not forever. But for now is good enough.
bloggers, just keep moving forward.
Trust you. You've got you and I believe in you.
I think it's nearly time I begin writing a book.
A little crime - investigation with a love you can't stop reading about.
Tragedy? I think so.
But do tragedy's have happy endings? Or are they called that for a reason?
Or can I make my own rules?
I'll keep you posted...
Good night guys. Hang in there. Just breathe.
I caught myself smiling, laughing, and having to calm myself from over excitement.
In saying that, I still woke up at 2am, tears strolling down my emotionless face.
Ever seen a zombie cry?
Like someone with botox, feeling one thing but not being able to tell. My stillness, my calmness in my cries, making it flat and dead. The same way I felt from the inside out.
It's like losing your best friend.
It feels like you've been taken by death.
Blood that has been shed.
The hollowness in my screams.
One minute you have someone you can tell anything to, feel anything around, act any way you are and not feel judged for it.
All those late night to early morning conversations about everything, about anything.
To the next moment, just wondering. Just questioning. Just lost.
I don't allow myself to open up very often. At least to a very, very small and very classified group of people. Well, two individuals really.
There's a part of me that looks back still. When I walk into my front gates, or when I get out of a vehicle. When I arrive on campus.
Maybe if I look back I'll see you again.
Maybe you're there.
Maybe my best friend is sorry.
Maybe they do care and their phone broke. Or maybe he's just been sad too.
Or maybe -
Maybe he just never cared at all. Or maybe he did. But just maybe, his life was more important and his problems were worse than yours.
Every night you spent pitching him ways to become and to do better. All the days we drove around for hours and spoke about who we were and where we wanted to be.
How even though our up bringings were so different, we wanted the same things in life, for others and for each other.
"At the end of every day, no matter what, you know it's always you".
That used to be enough.
Now, I don't know if anything will ever be enough to make up for this.
I believe all these blogs in the last 2 weeks are just God's way of showing me that I can move forward.
In order for us to move on, we must face our demons. No matter how hard it is.
Even though it feels like someone is stabbing me rapidly from the insides out, trying to crawl from my stomach to anywhere - anywhere but within, I know this is how to release all the depression I am holding onto.
Bringing me back to something I learnt years ago, we cannot change someone. They can only change themselves. We cannot blame ourselves for someone else's actions.
And we cannot hold onto what we cannot change.
Samara, you have been through this and more.
Death, cheating, abandonment, homelessness, isolation, bankrupt, sexual, mental, physical and emotional abuse.
You are more than capable of waking up with a smile on your face as you know how blessed you are to be where you are and to be who you are.
You do not rely on anyone to tell you you're good enough, to give you answers that you need or want.
There is no point or positive outcome from chasing someone or something that is causing you so much pain.
So much brokenness.
So much doubt.
No one is too busy to make sure your heart is not shattering from having to let your baby go.
No one's problems are too big to make sure you're okay.
To make sure your insides are healthy.
"In sickness and in health....Till death do us part"
I guess not in sickness nor in health.
Or death nor life.
Nor together or apart.
An infinite amount of moments I allowed my best friend to abandon me over and over again.
It is time.
Time to fly high.
Release and to let go of what was and to accept what is and what is to be.
My 21st birthday approaching less than a week away.
I'm excited to look around at who shares this day with me.
To see who my real friends are. To see who values and wishes to share these special moments with myself for I have made it this far.
And no heart break, no loss of child will change that.
This year I could have been a mother, but God convinced me I could be greater first.
So he removed not only the baby but the man who could never love me the way a partner should.
Although it hurts, I prayed and my friends around me prayed on my abortion day, for true happiness. For love and lots of support throughout this journey. Even though I feel empty and alone, I know this is God answering our prayers.
For better or for worse, I am finally seeing the road again. Seeing clearer. My tunnel vision is leaving but I know not forever. But for now is good enough.
bloggers, just keep moving forward.
Trust you. You've got you and I believe in you.
I think it's nearly time I begin writing a book.
A little crime - investigation with a love you can't stop reading about.
Tragedy? I think so.
But do tragedy's have happy endings? Or are they called that for a reason?
Or can I make my own rules?
I'll keep you posted...
Good night guys. Hang in there. Just breathe.
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