Excessive: Eating | Starving

This blog is for anyone that has ever felt insecure, second best or unworthy.

You know, in high school being called “fat” or a “slut” were some of the most painful insults. At the same time, never being severely overweight, being called “fat” rarely hit home.

In the last few years coming immensely close to the methods of self worth discoveries, I have learnt many lessons.

Being called “skinny” or “thin” feels the same way I assume it feels to jokingly grope a male friends breast. 

I never really thought about it before because I’ve never felt as uncomfortable in my skin as I do now.

When people define you or call you out for the size of your body. Whether it be big or small. 

The amount of debates I have or wish to scream at the top of my lungs as to why my body is the way that it is but honestly, I don’t feel comfortable telling you.

And, it is my right as a human, or an Australian Citizen at least, to say this. I wish I was bigger. Thicker. 

I know what it is like to look back repeatedly at old photos and wish we could transport back  into another era.

I know what it is like to not want to look in the mirror.

I know what it’s like to not take a “selfie” for months on end because you’re afraid of what people will think of you.

My family especially, love to highlight what I have lost. Weight being included in that.

When I was around 8 years old I was diagnosed with hyperglysemia. When attending childrens parties I was the only gymnast and child sucking on sugar free lollipops - highly watched by the adults closest.

I have always been into sport. I started with gymnastics to athletics, AFL, soccer, basketball and others. 

But only a medalist in Gymnastics, basketball and soccer. 

When you’re around 8 you don’t really think about bodies or images or how the world may look at you. 

You are told the man you’re supposed to marry will love you “not matter what” - but there is always a “what” or an “if” or a “but”.

I tried so hard not to gain too much weight. Then when I wanted to gain that weight back, I couldn’t. 

The love of my life wishing I was just those few sizers larger.

Feels the same way as you asking me to lose 2 sizes. 

Since 7 I was diagnosed with an eating disorder.

At 21, you’d think I’d be with the new generation. Loving and accepting my skin, no matter the size, colour or shape. 

I’m torn

Does our true love accept our body?

Or do we just have to accept it ourselves?

I hear women talk about wearing shirts to hide their stomach. Here I am telling them their silly, yet I haven’t worn my bikini open in public in the last 2 years. 

The skin and bone we have to breathe are just the demons my peers can visibly see. 

I have, as of recent, been counselling myself. Every decision I made, closely considered.

I believe everyone should feel loved but more importantly feel beautiful in their own skin. 

When people mention my veins or my hyperactivity or my insecurities….

I know how small the world can feel.

And, I never want to be that person that accidentally or purposely makes someone unsure about their worth because of the size of their body. 

I know.

I obsess over calories like an anorexic. But the opposite. In the way I want to gain.  

If I don’t reach my goal I am nothing. 

Because that’s just how people think.

 I didn’t intend this blog to be so sad so I will remind myself of what my intentions were when beginning this.

You are worth every thing.

Even when you’re blind, and it feels like no one is there,

Just know that someone is.

& I am.

Even when writing this, just moments before something hit me like a bus.

You can be insecure, you can be afraid. If you’re doubts come true, know even more-so that your intuition is strong and there is a light in you that know one has ever experienced before.

If I, being skin and bone deep, can find acceptance, or love, or dominance (haha), than you can you.

It’s what we see in ourselves that reflects, not what others see in us. 

If you believe in yourself nothing matters.

As cheesy or as chap as it may seem, it’s one of the most honest and genuine quotes to exist of all time.