2020 Reincarnation

2020.

Welcome readers, new and old.

A touch of fresh air, unleashing the old and finding anew.

The breeze amongst this heat wave, anticipating, out reaching.

I reflect towards the end of the last year up until now about who I was when I entered year eleven and twelve in school.

When everything fell beneath me, family and prosperity departing simultaneously. 

My headspace and my determination.

What would I have thought back then? Not now.

That Samara was the Samara I strive to return to. After everything had vanished, my mother and home included but before I graduated.

It was like the calm before the storm. Wow, the strength and aura that projected was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

One hurdle became five and every time someone threw me to the floor or every time court dates were adjourned I would fight ten times harder. 

How I imagine it would be like in a wrestling match. 

Sitting in a row as an innocent child waiting for my name to be called for first place in a gymnastics competition.

When my stories were recognised and promoted to a higher achieving English class.

After the raid, after it all, ABC saw something in I that I had nearly forgot, taking me to Canberra to begin a life long campaign to help victims like I WAS.

2020 has consisted of 5 part time/casual job interviews.

Pleading a case to my university and being successful.

Commencing my first class for the semester.

Not suffering. But accepting.

Using my past again, as a guideline.

Viewers, we sometimes lose site of who we are and where we are headed. Sometimes 5 hurdles feels like 20 more. 

It’s like being caught in a rip. Before you get a chance to get a grip or get up you’re thrashed by an oncoming wave. Over and over.

That’s when it feels like you’re drowning. 

You know what they say when you’re caught in a rip?

Let it take you out. Ride the force all the way until it can’t anymore. Then when it’s let you go, you can find your way home. You know where to go. 

Just accept everything you can’t control. Let it take you for a ride, let it try and thrash you. A thousand times over. But if you submit, you control your next move.

You can’t be successful without strength. 

My university faculty Leaders said something to me to the other day that truely resinated.

“We can see that despite all of these difficulties you somehow find a way to overcome them.”

And I paused for a moment.

It was such a surprise for me to be held accountable for that. To be reminded or recognised one again of the lengths I have gone through.

I felt appreciated.

It’s not often I hear someone is proud. 

No longer daddy’s little girl and no longer in contact with my mother, gratitude, appreciation and validity comes around almost never.

It’s just me: one foot, two foot, right, left.

I am the result of a sour relationship and sad filled lives. But this result is to be the complete opposite of anything less than happy and healthy.

2020.

I can feel it already.

You are the year that I really find myself again.

You are the year that I don’t care anymore.

You are the year that Samara is known for the genuine and kind and loving person that I am inside. 

All of the hate and anger and regret from the past is to be gone, forever. 

To love within.

I know there is opportunities around each and every corner or on the other side of the hurdles taunting you.

So when you slip, or you’re drowning, or you’re lost... just remember the best version of you and find control and your strength and power will follow. Let it take you for a ride, find who you want to be and be just that.

You are not who they expect you to be or who they wish you were. You are you.