Isolation to Innovation

Types, deletes. Types, deletes, repeat.

The past month has been nothing but the biggest blessing of the year.

Of course no blessings come without sacrifice, struggle and choice.

I believe God gives us opportunities. A chance to decide which way we wish to head.

Me?

I was tired. Tired of feeling weak. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I remembered what it felt like to feel good again in my own skin.

To not suffocate when I am bewildered. Ambushed. 

Letting go of the one I loved allowed me the space to reach my goals again. Being alone, sitting amongst these four, white walls and canal views, nothing felt okay.

Like part of me was in a box. A dark, empty road with no end. My ability was faded and I lost sight of who I was.

There I was, entering one of many interviews almost assuming I wouldn’t get the job. There I sat, there I prayed.

I asked with every inch of pride that I had that this interview be the last. That I was given the strength to succeed.

And viewers, that is exactly what I got in return.

The position was offered on the spot to begin immediately.

Holding back the tears I accepted with gratitude.

It was like a hand was passed on to me and my current boss had pulled me out of the storm. 

Putting up with the hurtful feedback in the remembrance that it was she that saved me from the storm.

Not him, not mum, not I, but she.

All great things in life come with a sacrifice.

Studying mid semester I was asked to make a choice.

University or work. Money or education.

Essentially I chose work. Working as a social media marketer, AKA personal assistant to a very successful business woman doing exactly what I had wanted to do after graduation, I put university on hold once again. 

After fighting consistently for my position in the University I was overwhelmed to say the least, about having to part ways, at least for now.

Putting everything I built in the last 2 years on the line for this job.

It will make me or break me.

King Triton or the fragile break of Pinnoccio’s nose.

What I had always envisioned or what I see when I’m trapped in my nightmares.

There is something dark I wish to share with you all.

Something I never thought I would experience in my life.

Something traumatic occurred.

One minute he was there and the next he wasn’t.

My friend, my enemy, my - who are you to me?

Driving in a car, nothing out of the ordinary, an outburst of rage. Or temperament. 

The demon that erupted externally. Just minutes after parting ways I am given nothing but the kind of news you never want to hear.

This rage consumed him. His mother was killed. By accident? On purpose?

In vein? For nothing?

It replays on my mind like a broken record. If I hadn’t seen him earlier that night would his mother still be alive?

Did the feelings I gave him cause him that level of insanity?

Is her life in my hands?

How could you live knowing what you have done? But I wish he does.

I watched this spiral continue over time and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

The warnings. The arguments. The abuse. 

Was my story not enough?

Now we are to never see each other or speak once again. 

Bloggers, I had a best friend.

We had each others backs, always and I thought I had someone to lean on or just let everything go with. 

The power of intoxication. Of evil spirits and bad choices.

I said my goodbye’s and I shall make it the last.

Missing my brother immensely and wishing I had more people to hold me in times like these.

Being hounded all day about what I’m not good at reminds me of being with the love of my life.

When I am at work trying my hardest to prove I am good enough, I can do it. Then being rejected or denied and it feels lonely.

How many times can you try and see someone who doesn’t want to be seen?

How many times can you yell at someone who doesn’t care?

How many times can you try and change for someone who will never love you?

How do you let go of someone who doesn’t deserve you?

I am feeling empowered now that I am working again though I will always be me. 

I will always wish it was you.

I will always want you to be healthy.

It feels like it will always be you.

But honestly, I wish it wasn’t.

It feels like a burden. As though I’m trying to jump and he’s captured me with chains.

If he saw me, if he loved and respected me everything would be different.

But he doesn’t and he won’t. He never will.

Why do you never want to be there for me?

I wish a man would do for me what I would do for him. 

A brain like mine, I need someone to listen.

This mind is great. 

Greatness needs something to maintain it.

Something to nurture it and ensure it is taken care of. 

It’s very limited when it comes to people I can lean on, though I’m proud. Proud of where I have come from where I have been and those memories I can never un-see.

Time to feel the love within and keep growing as a successful business woman. 

A social and digital media marketer.

I have my days, my moments. 

But if you stick by me I’ll be the best addition to your life. 

Bloggers,

I nearly gave up on everything. Someone was murdered, I was empty, alone, abandoned and again, I work full time doing what I love most and life is getting easier.

Never let go of your dreams because only you can get you to where you wish to be.

Even when I write, what I love most, and my text is deleted because it “sounds terrible”, I must remember that I am me. and I am good at what I do and I am passionate about it.

That is my strength.

Courage and the ability to write.

To speak whatever I am told to speak in a a professional manner. 

To dress any part.

I am Samara Ward.

& I am making it every time I wake up to see another day. 

The first step to success and happiness is to wake up. To open your eyes and see the world breathing around you. 

To remind yourself of what is or what could be. 

You have the opportunity now to be better than you ever were, you just have to remember why you’re doing it. 

What motivates you to do better?

I will never be like what I have experienced in my teens. 

I will never do what those around me have chosen to. 

Goodnight readers,

Someone is watching over you, never lose hope, at least not for long.