Guilty and Growing

It's me again. 

Between leaving or should I say losing my job as a personal puppet I have set course to continue this aura of strength and capability. 

Departing from the old and growing with anew. 

Why is it that I must lose out on what I want or should I say, deserve because it may or may not upset someone temporarily. The same someone who continues to restrain me from moving forward. 

As repetitive as the estimated property figures I calculate daily, I am still living in the cycles of those around me. 

I am still being affected by the actions and the decisions of people that aren't I. 

God damn. 

I did it. You have no idea what it was like. No one has any fucking idea. I'm sorry - 

Look at me now. 

I found stability. When you've been deprived of it for so long the memories start falling like leaves in the fall. 

What was it like to sit at the table with mother and father and laugh, peering to my left to see my two sisters and my brother to my right, laughing amongst one another?

It's ironic how those closest to us are the ones to betray us the most. 

My own mother keeping in contact with the only person who should have never done me wrong and repeatedly did so. 

Her own selfish addictions yet again coming before her daughter. 

Why must you do this to us?

Where did you go?

Araura, 

I think about you every day. 

We both do. 

Maleficent has found a place in my home where you should have been present. 

God gave me this beautiful symbol of love and affection to replace the emptiness left by you my baby girl. 

You know, I've been reflecting a lot lately on what I had felt all those years ago. 

Getting out of bed practically paralysed, numb from distance, the loss. School never prepared me for my mother being taken away in hand cuffs.

School never told me how to deal with my step father recording me.

No one told me how to get here. They just told me what not to do. Or in most cases, I learnt the hard way. 

I used to feed off of the darkness I had buried within. Now it inspires me. 

I learnt how to handle hurt. How to grow up and to be sad, and to take your wins and celebrate with yourself because you reached these milestones on your own. 

Graduation. Looking back in the crowd. I did it. Maybe, just maybe my family will be in the audience this time. Maybe, just maybe, they will clap at my name. 

They never came. 

Homeless. Fatherless. Motherless. Jobless. 

Just 18 years old. 

My cheeks stretch as this present feeling of comfort overwhelms me. 

My sheets don't scare me anymore. 

I can see the ripples in the water as the boats drive by. 

I can smell the scent of dinners cooked by mothers and fathers in houses around me. 

I remember that board room I saw myself in 10 years from now. 

I saw myself on a stage amongst thousands, sharing my story. Stories. My testimony. Words of fiction and non-fiction read aloud to those who just want to hear more.  

Tears strolling with a champagne glass in hand. This all paid off. This will all be for something. 

Cheers to being nothing like the examples around us. 

To the boys and girls whom suffer and can't distinctly remember how they got there in the first place. 

To the mothers and fathers who couldn't be there for their children, it's okay. 

Well, it's really not but as I grow older I understand that we all walk our own journeys. 

We have all been disempowered by another. We've all been to hell but our hells aren't always in the same places.

You know what sucks?

Reaching out to people for months and asking for help because you're concerned for someone closest to you and everyone laughing.

They thought I was over reacting. 

Look at them now. 

My heart shatters every day. Not being able to stop what I vouch to do to thousands of people. 

I couldn't help you. I couldn't stop it. I think that's what keeps me up at night. 

Not that I am alone, not that we got to this place, but the fact that I allowed it to go on for so long. Now it's out of any of our hands and we have no more people to go to. 

Well you do. Now it's a journey that I can't assist with. Some things are out of our control. Like a rose blossoming to then wither. 

Maybe I didn't water my flowers the right way. 

All I can do now is promise to be better. Promise to never turn my back on someone who leans on me. To live in every moment like it may be the last. 

You don't know what's going on in someone else's mind. Be the person to lighten it up, to ignite inspiration and aspirations. 

I want to touch more. I want to feel what I have been missing out on for so long. 

Bloggers, I am happy. Like God put me here for a reason. Even if that reason was just to realise that I am worthy and capable. More able than I had ever imagined. 

I was told that I couldn't be loved until I loved myself, so that's what I set out to do. 

Find peace and serenity inside and out. 

Never ever give up. Even when you physically can't move and you are blocked or caved in mentally. 

This life is worth every high and every low. 

You just have to keep walking. Just keep waking up. Keep breathing.

P.S Happy mothers day to those mothers out there that couldn't spend their day with their sons and daughters for whatever the reason may be: by loss or by choice. 

Until next time.....