This blog is for those of you who fight for change with all your heart so when you find there's something you can't change, can't fix - you feel weak. Incapable. Guilty.
Guilty for all of the actions you never made or the words you never said. The hurt that you hid because you didn't want to hurt their feelings. Because, everyone else is only human too.
You know what it's like to feel disabled, immobilised because of the wrath of those around you.
Ever try to converse but feel so solely against their beliefs?
Sometimes I think people forget that just because we don't all speak of our pain, that doesn't mean it's not there and it's not real.
Remember the abuse I dealt with? Remember how it was just months ago I was anorexic, depressed and bullied by the one I cried soul mate.
Do you see people fall like dominoes?
Like the butterfly effect, remove one, you reverse it all.
About 5 years ago my grandfather had a health scare - afraid of the verdict be like my grandmothers I wrote a speech for his funeral. Crying, holding onto my words, I wrote my good bye.
5 years later I say my final words. "I love you, bye'.
That's it. That's all I could say.
Holding my father, holding me, at the edge of the metal, white sheet filled bed where he lay.
3 generations of Wards.
Staring at the white tiles on the ceiling trying with every inch of my body to not let go.
It was like my spirit left my body. I was an angel looking down on us all.
My grandfather adopted my dad when he was younger and even on his last admission there he was comforting my sadness, saying the same jokes with that same cheery tone he used when I was just a little country girl from Ipswich.
He will never know the woman I am now or am to be.
How much death can one life face?
Saying my goodbyes in the same hospital my little sister was born in and the one I visited my grandmother in often.
Walking in alone and seeing my father after all this time.
Illness being the reason we were brought together.
The worst kind of reunion.
There he was.
We didn't say anything. We couldn't.
Walking in silence side by side, both consumed and speechless. What do we do?
That last hug. The sound. Like Darth Vader his breathing was scarce and through a tube pumping oxygen.
All I could think about with my head on his chest was his heart beat still pumping blood and his breathing amplified through a mask.
This is the end of a life.
I crumbled even harder.
Something feels like it's missing.
As if walking those hospital halls took me back to a place I buried so deep into my nightmares I still see them when I close my eyes.
What's that saying about when one life dies another is reborn?
Crazy my baby was due around now, the same time my grandfather is to pass.
God, will you look after them for me?
I can feel a literal ache in my chest almost constantly lately. It is that of a broken heart. They exist and they very much so break you physically. Just make sure you continue to look after yourself during these hard times.
Make sure you eat when you're not hungry and drink when you remember to.
Keep doing those tasks that you love and spend time with those that make you feel good inside.
You deserve nothing less.
This ones for the women who needed their mothers and fathers but no one was there to pick up the call. Or to support your achievements and failures.
To those who sat in court cases as victims for those who were meant to protect you but failed to do so.
For the homeless, the broke and the assaulted who were strong enough to use it as lessons to keep going to somewhere where all of these broken people can't hurt you anymore. Where you can sleep knowing you have eaten, where you don't want to cry all the time.
You know, people can be strong and still fall sometimes.
Bloggers,
since my last 20 posts, I have grown tremendously.
In every aspect of my life. Though you can grow so much that you can't see your roots anymore, but they are still roots. They are still apart of who you are.
I will always live with these demons. The betrayal, the drug use (by them), the - abandonment.
I am blessed for what I have achieved though sometimes I miss the feeling of being taken care of and being loved unconditionally.
There's definitely a fear stemmed within..
Being a protector: sacrificing, losing, supporting and fighting for those I love because I know what it's like to be without.
My guardian angels are protecting me, I know this. It's my duty of care to do that for those around me.
Even if it means I get hurt in the process.
God, please allow grandfather to pass on a message before he finds peace.
I will be searching for him.
I will always be searching.
If you are reading this and you have been swallowed whole like a snake eating it prey or left like you were some useless, broken toy, you ought to remember that their wrong decisions should not mock your right.
Like the saying I attempted to remember while explaining to my friend, "Life is like a bow and arrow. The harder you pull back the further the arrow will go."
Some times we have to take two steps back in order to go forward.
That's where I am right now. I am taking those two steps back before I am flown like a javelin to the place God knows I should be.
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