I am tired - tired of being mistreated, misheard and misunderstood.
Like a Hump Back Whale I feel I am thrashing these same waters with my aura and as I elegantly hit the surface, down I go. Nothing but a muse for those of you to mock - to watch. To abuse.
Standing on a stone like Mufasa. Belittled, made the size of Simba.
It's blowing my fucking mind. Looking at these fucking women!
What monster do you see when you look at your reflection?
Nothing compared to the aliens they're faced with.
Please don't make me talk.
I don't want to tell you what it's like.
Like a child holding onto their mothers leg, pleading. Screaming.
Let me let you down slowly. Better you than I. Call me selfish. You can't fall thousands of feet from the air to spend the next few years recovering just to jump out the same fucking plane for the same inevitable fate.
Peel these layers back like an onion. Just like one I could make you cry. No one needs to hear about what you're going through or what you've seen. That's what this space is for. The only place I feel comfortable and open to express freely.
I can only be honest here.
I used to depend on everyone for everything and now... I'm afraid to tell anyone who I am. To be honest and open about anything like Google search.
Back to where I was -
If I see one more stupid ass male lay one of their satan given fingers on my friends I will personally start paying top dollar for fighting classes just so I can "self defence" the fuck out of their asses.
Excuse the language.
This is just an insight of how furious and powerless it feels to have beautiful friends and family that you consistently watch being torn down and thrown around by men double their size.
Being called names like; fat, slut, loser. etc.
Who the fuck are you big boy?
That's all they are.
BIG, boys.
Take their toys and girls away and see how far in life they go.
It destroys me from the inside out to play the same arguments on repeat like a broken record.
To have to accept that my friends make excuses as to why it was okay their man broke their belongings and punched them in the face repeatedly.
Do you know what it's like having a gut feeling your friends not okay so you show up to their house to see them on the floor, piercings torn from their skin with blood coming from multiple places?
What hurt more, seeing her lie there bleeding, or the fact that she wouldn't leave with me to get help?
After seeing that same abuse continuously I had to cut ties. When you watch the ones you love so deeply repeatedly put themselves in that position when you offer them a way to safety, there's nothing you can do.
It's draining and their relationship takes a toll on you. If you're a good friend that is.
Sometimes being a good friend doesn't mean they'll return the favour. Never stop being that person even then. You must be the goodness the world is lacking.
You know, with all this going on all I wish to do is be home in Ipswich.
Beside my grandfather.
I want to hold his hand and sleep beside his hospital bed until he takes his last breath.
I don't want him to feel lonely. I'm lonely. Please don't go.
They all go. Everyone does.
I know I can't change or stop death. Though I wish I was there. Maybe you'll see me. I call the hospital every day still. I'm too scared to hear your voice. That's how selfish I am.
Constantly thinking about getting on a train to Ipswich. Just packing up and going. Home. My safe place.
Ironically with no family there missing my presence.
Like one of the characters in a movie I watched today, maybe I am that beautiful ghost.
Right here yet so far away. So many untold stories.
We all have so many different sides. Like a mime. Impersonating different parts.
You choose which parts people see but sometimes you don't have a choice. It just happens.
Am I a monster? Or am I a warrior?
Strategically getting myself to the other side before it's too late.
God, she was right... I do wonder where I stand, with everyone.
Am I who I think I am?
or am I what they think I am?
Is it I or them that is blind Lord?
I need you now.
Guide me as you do. Show me the way up. Show me where to start? I want to sky rocket into Successville once again.
Take this tunnel vision away. Strip me of the negativity that I have portrayed, presented and participated in.
I am beautiful. No one touches my skin unless I say so and only if they mean something special to me. No one hurts me and no one controls me.
Never again.
This blog is another side of me; one of many.
This is the version of I attempting to see myself through the eyes of others.
So many questions.
Bloggers, don't let this blog make you think I am unhappy.
as complicated and chaotic my life and brain have been, I am still in a place where I am the beholder of my own power.
I feel alive again in my own body.
All these questions and one not being if I am good enough for one person or is he going to see me or her? Or am I worthy of being loved?
I am your favourite book. I am the lyrics to that song you can't stop playing on repeat. Not some fool who can be pawned off and bullied into submission.
A bucket load of experiences but the award winning movie you can't stop replaying the story line of over and over.
Smell the roses.
Fight for what you believe in and when you're ready, you let that guard down. That bridge will open when you're ready to do the same.
Sometimes it's okay to not be ready now. As long as you are eventually.
No comments:
Post a Comment