Why do I always go two steps forward just to reminisce on the old days like I'm going through those same emotions and events once again?
July.
The month my family now mourn and dread.
First it was my grandmother, then it was my sisters father Randall and now my grandfather.
God took their hands and stole their presence on Earth for one final time.
Grandma was my best friend. My demons have haunted my dreams since I was a child and she was the only one I could sleep with that put those monsters to rest.
I could sleep again.
She was the only woman to see me for who I was. The great and the monstrosity.
The way she would look at me; like I mattered.
Though I remember the bad days too, grandma. Walking into you sleeping with your eyes wide open, glazed in yellow.
This was followed by the paramedics walking you to the ambulance and you looking so... distant.
So sick. So intoxicated.
This was when I learnt prescription drugs are also a vice for those suffering their own depressions.
I miss seeing you in my dreams.
There was something about my sisters father that makes me wonder what would have happened if him and my mother stayed together. He was toxic yes, but the love he had for us all was something none of the others were capable of.
He genuinely looked at me like I was his own. Treated me like I was Heidi and offered to protect me just the same.
Not only this, the love I saw he had for my sister was one of the most beautiful relationships I've been lucky enough to see.
It was as if she was this blossoming rose that he had seeded and watered. My little sister is this ball of light and happiness because of it.
The cruel capture of alcoholism destroyed him from the inside out and once again God was forced to take someone I love all too soon.
On Thursday the 16th of July I stood in front of an audience and shared my last goodbyes to my grandfather. Before I opened my quivering lips I stared into the tainted glass filled with the Welsh dragon. The same one my mother has tattooed across her ribs in memory of my grandmother. I held my breath like I was about to free dive into deep waters. Holding back my sobs like the mouthpiece horses wear while being ridden.
Peering to my left and right. My father was falling apart in his wife's arms and without my brother there to hold me, I realised that I was all alone now. Or should I say I had remembered.
Where was my mother once again?
This is what it is to be an adult. It's no longer becoming a transitional period. I've been away from my family so long that our messed up relationships are now in concrete - set in stone.
His body wheeled in front of me. I looked at my dad with tear filled eyes and asked why his body had to be right in front of us during the ceremony.
It was then I knew I had to move. There is only so much strength one can muster up during such a tragic event.
When I entered the church it hit me like a truck. The same feeling, the same smell as every other funeral I've had to attend.
It breaks you down. From this strong, happy person to this self-destructing, emotional self.
Seeing your father fall apart - does it makes things easier or harder? Knowing he too is suffering so much that he can no longer silence his hurt.
For all of my family and loved ones that I have lost, I think about you every day. Sometimes more than you'd want from me. But I don't want your stories to end here. I don't want your pain to just be another disease in another souls life. I want the world to feel your sadness, like mine, and to use it to give their daughters a chance to have their fathers. To give mothers and grandchildren an opportunity to kiss their grandmothers and grandfathers for years to come.
Alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and mental illness is not who they are and I saw that. They were so much more than that. They loved me in ways I don't know if I will ever have the privilege of experiencing again.
I miss Lowood.
Like the last time I stayed with my grandmother, I want to walk through the long, yellow grass in the beaming sun rays and smell the fresh air of the country, horses, cows, drunks and old people.
Run around the corner to my old gymnastics club and keep running until I can't anymore.
I just want to drive 100km/ph through the mountains and field views until I hit the town I called home. That small place where everyone knew everyone and my family where never more than 5 minutes away.
The last town we were all together as a family. Timothy, Rebekah, Heidi, Mum, Randall and Grandma.
Now it's just me. Samara.
Bloggers, I move house in 1 week!
I finally achieved yet another goal I had set for this year.
It doesn't feel real. The last fortnight seems like a distant dream or nightmare.
This move will represent yet another stepping stone. One step closer to the place God wanted me to be.
As one door closes, another opens.
Letting go of the old news and creating new beginnings.
As for my last relationship - the one I spent years shedding my emotions on over the years has once again attempted to set light to me.
Sharing personal and false information to the same sad soul he cheated on me with. It's like looking at a stranger. Not just any stranger, the kind you'd never wish to meet. The kind of person you despise.
It used to hurt me because it was like he died. My best friend died.
The person who I protected and loved unconditionally is the only person you could truly be afraid of.
He made me believe that I was wrong. That I was ill. That I was failing in every aspect of my life. I was constantly reminded that my family hates me.
Now it's a matter of working on all of those nasty wires he crossed in my brain and throwing them away.
Genuinely believing that I am successful and beautiful and that no one has the power to determine who I am and where I am going.
I have the strength to be the person I am after everything and that it more than anyone else can say.
Bloggers,
The month of July is crazy. I said goodbye to another one I loved to death and watched his body part this Earth one last time. I was approved and will be moving into a new apartment. My Invisalign which I have been wanting for months is finally on it's way and after the way my old love had treated me again I am free of the disappointment and tears that once had destroyed me.
I no longer have any expectations of my mother and I shall continue to make the best of my life.
All I can do now is be better than what I have seen and the bad things I have done.
We're all just running the same race just hoping we have fun along the way.
That's the journey of life. We are born and the only thing that we are guaranteed is death.
Stop letting yourself toss and turn in your sheets every sleepless night. Deal with your demons. Say goodbye to those memories that break you every time they are replayed.
Cry if you need to.
Tell those people that you see in those flashbacks that you are having a hard time accepting what they had done to you.
Try and redeem your mind before it eats away like rats nibbling at scraps.
Water yourself and you shall grow.
Until next time
No comments:
Post a Comment