End of Chapter

I can't quite explain exactly how it feels to sit in my apartment looking at my back door views.

Pure serenity. 

Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

I'm adjusting. 

This month has stripped me bare. 

I am quite frankly overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. 

Still trying to catch my breath like a fish out of water. 

On July 25th exactly 1 week after my last post about the tragedies that come with the month of July, I said my goodbye's to my baby boy. 

It's as if God is closing a chapter of my life indefinitely and I have to figure out what to do next. 

Gucci, my rat had been my companion for nearly 3 years. I was alone. The feelings of abandonment at that time were consuming me and there was this gaping hole in my heart that no one or nothing seemed to fill. 

I set a goal one day to love this rat the way I felt I was lacking.

This idea that I was going save and to nurture a life became an obsession and it was almost an instant decision that I was collecting my Gucci. 

Seeing him in the state that I did moments before letting him go, tore me into a thousand pieces. From my judgements it was as if he had somehow broken his spine. Looking at this beautiful boy unable to move - the one you promised to look after - All I could do was cry. 

That was my breaking point. I've said my goodbye's to countless people this month and this was the one I just could not be with out. 

Staring at this perfectly constructed corner in my new home where his cage would fit perfectly.

5 homes in 3 years. 

I wish I could show him that we made it. 

In the last month I have grown into a new woman. 

As my dreams presented, I finally let go of the emotions and the issues that were tormenting me in my sleeping and waking moments. 

Like an explorer, I went far and wide into the depths of my brain to determine what was going on. 

Sitting on this charcoal, extremely large couch (like my bed!), I can't help but feel out of place. 

How do we make it feel like home again?

I'm not sad, I guess I just feel empty. 

I want to laugh really hard again or feel butterflies swarming my insides. 

Feel the touch of love not lust. 

For now I shall focus on feeling again. 

My guard is up high, I realise this. But what else can you do in this world? People will take you for granted and it's up to you to look after yourself. No one else is going to catch you when you fall.