Constant is the only consistent

Okay, bloggers.

I am here this morning because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't. 

You don't have to tell someone what you're going through, you just have to make sure you're putting it somewhere. Anywhere but bottled up inside to the point of ultimate consumption.

This apartment is beautiful. Sleeping on a bed 3 times the size of me is still something I am getting used to. 

Being able to walk down the road and see the glistening sun rays on the waves around me. 

I woke up in the middle of the night again. 

I guess I thought moving would keep my demons in my old room. 

Turns out the demons are wherever you are. 

Wherever I am. 

When they say it's time to face them, they're right.

There's no other way to close your eyes and feel genuine peace. 

So, I guess the question now is.. How do you face your demons?

I am still trying to figure that one out. 

What if I have more than I know of?

Where do I begin?

Am I supposed to verbally or physically approach those that have hurt me?

I'd start with Sam Harrison. 

What could I possibly say to him? What do you do to the person who stole your family, your dignity, your innocence.... my everything. 

Now I live a life with constant questioning, constant pain, constant.

The only thing consistent is the constant. 

If you're a regular reader you should be well aware I've practically mastered the art of living out of home, being away from the ones you wished were close by. 

I guess it's hitting me now I've gone all these months apart from my family, moving into a brand new apartment in a new location, changing jobs - three times this year and being in a place where you do not need anyone but finally letting go of the one you wanted to at the same time. 

The difference between then and now, theres two pieces of my heart missing. Just two, but I think those two were the ones that held me together. 

The super glue to my heart. 

You know when people say they'd rather be alone than be in an abusive relationship, or rather than be hurt? They're also right. 

I go to bed with the same memories resting on my eye lids. 

Waking up early hours of the morning with moments of the past flooding my waking thoughts. 

To get ready for work thinking about what I had just seen and felt. 

I'm tired. 

My friends group is growing as is my happiness and views on self worth. 

I can feel the growth disperse from my insides out. 

Feel like I'm riding the rapids into the unknown and I guess I'm just waiting for something to make sense. 

I am blessed to have a life surrounded by the people that I do and I am thankful for the strength I was given to pursue the life that I have. 

After doubting myself for years and being told I was unable, incapable - It's nice to have finally made it. For those closest to me to notice a change within I that I couldn't see. 

Onwards and upwards as they say. 

To making new goals and achieving them. 

Do I miss my best friend? yes. 

But that person died. 

I have to assume that person is no more. 

Never will be. 

You'll be you and I'll be me. 

I am in the best place I have been in my entire life and I'm still trying to catch my breath. 

Feeling small in a success so big, but why?

Close your eyes, take some time getting comfortable and familiar with silence.