Finally Accepting

 Respect. 

Such a big part of the world we live in. 

Without it, where do we stand?

Lets start with the positive, shall we?

After hours on end of relentless and sleepless moments, I have decided to pursue exactly what it is that I love. My degree in creative writing. 

After too many months of being in hibernation from my passion, I am ready, more than ever to return to the classes I love most. 

The best part is, I accepted that my dreams won't come true at the University I had always thought would grant them. 

The stairs that I thought would leave me to Successville may have just been a stepping stone to the place I was meant to wander to. 

At first, the thought of changing universities felt like a let down. A failure. Like I was holding myself back from the same path my brother took. 

Starring around the room, gazing,  I realised I needed to change my mindset. Mindset it everything. 

What if staying at Bond is the shackles deterring me from becoming the next J K Rowling?

There a sat for what seemed like years asking myself "what's next?".

I guess I wasn't ready then. God gave me these life changing opportunities but when you're not in a position to accept or to handle what is standing right in front of you, it's powerless. 

I was powerless. 

From digital media, marketing, sales, business, legal, real estate - I soared every avenue to figure out where my heart feels full and useful.

Just like when I was in primary and again in high school, writing seems to be the only one I come back to. 

Without it, I can't be of any use to anyone. 

Some girls are beautiful and they use that to their advantage in life. Some protect our country and others strain their bodies physically to train and to teach others to do and to stay healthy. 

Me... I teach through my writing and I release through it. 

Everything my voice is incapable of producing, my fingers will. 

I started watching a show last night called Love on the Spectrum. 

It hit home. 

Being someone with in invisible disibility can have its struggles as much as if you could see them. 

I guess the intensity of my emotions gets the better of me. 

When I feel hurt by someone, some times it's as if my body and my mind are unable to do anything. 

It's like being on lockdown in your own skin. 

The victim and the prisoner of my own mind. 

When I am happy it feels as if I am floating on Cloud 9. 

My laugh is contagious and quite frankly it makes me warm from the inside out. 

When I love it's overwhelming for others but it is unconditionally and it is a forever kind of love. 

Now, I've told you plans to return my train back on it's tracks, ready for the next few stages of my life. 

But as I'm sure you know there's something that has been pressuring me lately. Something I can't seem to shake before I go to sleep and is probably the reason I've been so exhausted lately. 

Do you ever have a gut instinct about something? Then to reassure yourself you confront the person you have a feeling about and they lie. But you know back then you have no idea that the words they're speaking are just that. Words. Empty ones with no truth behind them. 

Do you ever wonder how many times they've done you wrong that you probably were so oblivious to?

Do you ever question why after so long they give someone else the praise you cried for?

Why was it so hard when I tried to make it so easy?

Have you ever changed so much after something so traumatic and you just wish you could tell those people all about the changes your undergone? Your new routine, friends, family. 

It's like you're doing so well and everything is finally exactly where they told me I would never be, and I can't even show them that I made it. Even though I know and I don't care what they think, I still wonder if I had all of this then, would they be in the present?

Would they never have hurt me and my property they way they did? Would they betray me again if they had the chance? Would they use, manipulate and abuse me, again?

Would they go behind my back and shred the layers of disloyalty like they had over and over again?

Bloggers, 

I am shackle free.

Turning this submarine around and preparing to ascend into my new life - the right one.