I remember what it was like when I was younger. Unsure and curious, inexperienced and most of all, lost.
Finding myself became an obsession. From goth, to hippie, "emo", country, cool girl, the outcast.
Even today I am convinced from my hippie era that I am in fact part psychic.
Hence the tattoo.
You may read more about this on my previous blogs (try searching key words on my blog).
When I was a child my father called me Sammy Sea Snake.
Maybe it was Gods humorous way of saying I am to be born of many personalities.
Every skin shedding like it were the last. Every day one step closer to the genuine and authentic Samara that I am to be.
There I was, Welling boots to my baby thighs, built from the inside out, waiting for my friends to arrive to my 6th or 7th poolside birthday in country town, Lowood.
If I remember correctly only 1 of the 20 or so children I invited had arrived on my not so special, special day.
At that age I was not discouraged. I was sure that I'd live a life surrounded by loved ones.
I had a hard time in school. I suppose my differences made me "weird". Weird is what they call people of things they can't explain.
Usually those that are extraordinary are those that are referred to as weird.
That again didn't deter me. I found the first love of my life at sixteen. As strong as one can love at that age. That love departing the morning my house was raided - opening my eyes to the future. What a real love could mean... not leaving when things are inexplainable and tough.
My life had just changed forever and despite how strongly my heart had felt, I was abandoned by the first lover in a time I needed them the most.
I was lucky though. Not many people at 16 or even 40 get to feel the way that I had so wonderfully felt for so many months.
By the time I reached high school I had convinced myself I had figured out the whole friendship "game". Turns out I was wrong. I wasn't the loser or the saddest soul in the courtyard but I was definitely alone.
Parties were my escape before my class had sipped their first sack of purified Fruity Lexia or dragged on their first blunt. Standing in a hazed room, looking around at my intoxicated peers. Nothing important mattered to these people.
Their high was temporary. My low was constant.
I was homeless for a while.
Taking myself to school so I could get into the best University to be nothing like the people I am compared to daily.
In year 11 my best friends of 4 years replayed a scene from Mean Girls. After a week long suicidal breakdown I had returned to classes for my favourite girls to tell me that I can no longer sit with them.
Confused as to why I was so lost and sad all the time, alike my boyfriend, they walked away from me too.
It was like this roller coaster into oblivion. My train was well and truly riding off the rails.
No home. No friends, No family. No Boyfriend.
Okay, what do I do now?
I finally reached a point where my school friends seemed they genuinely wanted me to be apart of their group.
They would sleep at my house, call me first, appreciate me?
My heart felt warm.
This was until they told me to learn to tie a noose around my neck.
Followed by them mocking me behind my back, laughing at the idea of me being accepted into Bond University with a mother like mine.
Ladies and gentleman, that's exactly what I did.
I didn't let this deter me from being where I wanted to be. I had a vision and no one was stopping me from reaching this point in my life.
These friends I run into here and there, in awe with how far I have come since. Probably surprised Samara Ward is a happily breathing human being.
You see, all of the people I have befriended, been bullied by or trusted when I was younger, have all their own truths during these times. Though every time those sticks and stones were thrown, I was using them as tools to build a pathway to the university of my dreams. The same one my amazing brother graduated from just years before.
Guess what, after 2 years at Bond my dreams were and still are bigger and better than ever.
I am making more money than the university students who laughed at me before presenting 10 minute speeches.
I stood up in Parliament House when I was too afraid to walk into a crowded chapel in school.
God damn, I had nothing and I've built something.
The consuming feelings of sadness and being insecure will depart. She may come and she may go but the worst part could all be over if you allow it.
Change is forever constant. As are we. As are they.
Lift your hands are far high as you can. And never forget that is all you have to do when things are too much in the moment.
Just stick your hand out, if no one grabs you, use it to lift yourself out.
You don't need anyone, it just helps a little.
Remember who and what you saw. Was it you on the stage with the audience screaming your name? Book readings like me? Is it travelling the world and seeing the more beautiful life styles and architecture that you would never have the luxury to be in the midsts of in your every day life?
Remember what you want even if the route to get there changes along the way.
God Bless.
SIDE NOTE:
The amount of videos I have seen on social media bringing tears to my eyes in regards to the riots happening across America.
Use this time to educate yourself rather than react.
Listen rather than respond.
Take this time to reflect on the present, past and future.
Decide what we can all do moving forward to make life free and easier for ALL.
#blacklivesmatter #humansmatter
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