I Surrendered

Bloggers,

Surrendering to the breaths of life doesn’t come easy. Especially for those like I with our walls held high. Firm like the trunk of a tree.

I used to allow myself to feel mocked. I’d wallow in the dark hole I considered life. The abuse becoming second nature, maybe even first. Accepting apologies quicker than I’d accept my own reflection staring back at me. The thing I hated most. Myself.

For all the women they left me for, pieces of them that I had wished were I.

Never feeling content or loved for being who I was.

I learnt that to love again or to be loved, meant putting down our armour and letting go of what we are afraid of. To share some of that weight with another in the hopes that they’ll do the same.

Being made a mockery makes my insides boil. Like there’s no respect. Without respect and trust, where do we stand? 

Bloggers, how do we overcome such obstacles?  How do we show that we are hurt without reacting and how do we know what the right consequence is for both parties? 

How do you trust someone you never fully did in the first place? Ugh.

Like a leaf drifting in the river stream from one place to another.

A sigh escapes me.

Do I start building these walls again? Brick by brick. OR do I stay vulnerable?

Am I just awaiting my inevitable destiny to be hurt once again?

I’d say so. Am I ready to take that risk? After everything I’ve been through. Do I deserve better? Can I be better?

Its scary opening up to new people. You never know what parts of the story they’ll absorb, manifest and dwell on. Or if they even care at all. 

One wrong truth and that could well and truely be the end of something that hadn’t even quite started.

Something that may or may not have been beautiful. Life altering.

Will I ever know?

My head is spinning like a vortex. 

Current emotion: confusion.

Readers, if you’re confused in any given situation, remind yourself of who you are and what you are worth. 

Don’t allow others to determine your happiness or your status. You stand where you choose to stand. If it’s not first place maybe you shouldn’t be beside them at all.

Stay to your positive vices and remember that God will only give you challenges that he knows you have the ability to overcome. 

Use your strengths and passions to focus on what you need to. Never let someone else make you question your value. Only you can determine