Family or Fiend - Is It Time?

I'm back.

So soon. 

My sheets are cold as ice. 

Are you one of those people that can't remember the last time they just... slept? Without the dreams, nightmares, the tossing and turning followed by the countless amount of times you wake up. 

Starring at the time on my dimmed phone light as one heavy sigh escapes me. 

Are your calmest moments now disrupted, discouraged and ineffective?

This warm drop fell from my cheeks and onto the hand my head was resting on. Thinking of the only thing that I am without that I think I miss more than anything and now more than ever. 

My family. 

Has anyone else fallen victim to a crime committed by those that were meant to protect you, to love you and instead left you for dead? Feeling like the sheets I lay on my skin before I sleep be the layers to bury me all those meters deep into the ground. 

Thinking about those cries. Those screams. How many times did I nearly lose my voice in the hopes that they would come back for me?

From far and wide my family are dispersed and I guess I just wish I was that small, tanned skinned, horse riding, adventurous girl that despite being a terror, felt she had the world beneath her feet. 

Feels like now we're all just awaiting our inevitable destiny that we are searching for in space: a place so unfamiliar to us all. 

I don't hate my mother for what she did to me. I suppose I can't rest until I understand why she never fought harder to stay with me. Why even after numerous apologies and "changed behaviour" it is I that is alone. 

My brother just countries away. Unable to come here and I am unable to go there.

Are you talking to your family through social media? Is that the only way you too can contact the ones you love?

Sometimes it feels like these walls slam shut in my face. Towering to heights that I cannot climb. 

You see readers, 

You may be better, you may see clearer, you might feel happier, but blood is like magnets. When you are apart the universe draws you together and because we can't be together I can feel the pressure and the loneliness of their disappearance. 

Brother, I am ready for you to come home. Though I know your dreams are best pursued from afar, so I must wait for you to return. 

Father, I know. I know we both just didn't know what to do or how to respond. Two people so alike, both unable to process what we then knew. I'm sorry and I am happy for you and your new family. I guess it was hard for me to accept that both my mother and father had moved on. I have accepted this. 

Rebekah, I don't actually know if you think about me, ever. Any of us. We miss you. I wish you could tell that our anger towards you is all the years of love and memories that we had missed out on. A lost girl needs her eldest sister to tell her everything is going to be okay. 

Heidi. I think you break my heart the most. The words outspoken by you; your truths of me. The nastiest words, told me I was the worst of things. 

Ever feel like you're protecting someone and they look at you like you're the enemy? All those months I went without you.. I would write to you, fight for you and watched you from suburbs away.

Bloggers,

I want to encourage you to reach out to these people that you need most. The ones we can't live without. But the truth is, I did manage without. I have been managing without for over 4 years now. 

You don't need these people that the universe had placed you with. Though if that is something you want to leave unfixed and left damaged, just remember how quickly a life can be taken from you. 

I supposed with all the death that has surrounded me, my biggest fear would be for the living to pass without me expressing to them how I feel. At the same time, I feel I have tried and my cries were reachless. They go nowhere but deep inside my sadness. 

Maybe it's time that I speak to them again. Though I fear that she has not changed and again it will only be I that hurts deeply. 

Like lifting a bandaid off a wound so deep. Something we all covered and never treated. 

We shall float these skies, pass the storms in a hot air balloon and just pray we make it to our destination together and unharmed. 

To anyone who misses a family that is not beside them, I encourage you to focus on doing what makes you the best version of yourself. If you are comfortable, maybe it's time to start to speaking out. 

One day you will have a family of your own. Is the family you have now the way you want your family to be? If not, maybe it's time to consider making some changes. 

If they won't change, don't set fire to yourself to give them light. 

Until next time.