Family of Phoenixes

 Have a memory you can’t quite shake?

A scent buried so deep in your nose it travels with you wherever you go?

A feeling disabling you from the ability to do anything. Breathing included.

One moment an outburst of laughter to then be consumed and drowning in the memory.. the sounds, the echoing screams and the alarm bells that never escape.

20 minutes pass by, still frozen in the same position I left reality in.

I was rearranging my room when I had asked my mother if I could come to her apartment to collect a desk.

After retrieving these items she had expressed how exhausted she was and in fact was getting ready to have a sleep.

Deep in my own inner monologue, picturing what furniture would look most aesthetically appealing in which parts of my room to a noise no daughter wishes to hear.

Then that was it.

Do you know how quick - how valuable and precious each second is?

“Help! Help me! Someone!”

For a moment I went back to 2015. When I was awoken in my family home by the police. In that moment my heart sank beneath the floor boards. What has mum done? Mum! Where’s mum?! 

A million thoughts swarmed before a single word escaped my voiceless mouth.

It felt like 20 minutes but realistically within 10 seconds the adrenaline shot through my veins like a junkie at a peak high.

I screamed back with every ounce of fear in my body, “MUM! Mum it’s me. Mum I’m coming! Mum!”.

While consumed in thought once again. What’s happening to my mother!!? Is someone attacking her?

As I fly over my bed like Usain Bolt and slam open the back door the screaming followed by sobs are now above me and piercing my ear drums.

Watching my mother climb from a burning balcony, the alarms are finally doing their job. 

Suffocating on the thick smoke that tripled every second we were there, screeching with all the voice left inside me for her to jump. I didn’t care if she jumped directly on me I just wanted her to be okay. 

For a moment, despite this entire experience happening quicker than I could say “fire!”, I thought about death.

A life without my mother. What if I wasn’t here? What the fuck is happening to my mother?

Crying and moaning in a way that made you feel the pain, the fear, the heart break of watching all that you have wither right before your eyes.

When you’re so shattered the energy and spirit escape you entirely. Collapsing to the floor with a cry as deep as a whales. An emptiness that can I only be expressed in such a form.

The elevators and hallways closing down, seeing the woman who raised me, clenched in my brothers arms on the floor of a smoke filled room unable to move. 

Trying with all that she had to save our family cats that we had no physical chance to do so and we made every attempt imaginable. 

Her cry for help was so deep I feel it so far in my soul - a sound that never really goes away. Something you can’t just.. turn off.

When my room started smoking out I left my indoor cat the back door open and jammed something between my other door so she had a chance to escape. 

For the hours we waited before being able to return to the horror film that it was, after hearing our cats didn’t survive, was one of the most anxious filled hours of my life.

I lost 2 of my babies before and I wasn’t ready to have to say goodbye once again. 

The relief.. the tears and the goosebumps that vibrated from my body when I had found her wet, alone in a dark room with no power. It felt like someone, an angel, God, was looking over us.

I close my eyes and I see the flames of a fire. The cloud of black smoke replicating that of a cape or an explosion coming from behind my mother.

Standing in the aftermath. The ash, mud and a thousand items that once were that are no more.

How one accident left  what was once white turn to pure charcoal. Laptops turn to mush and memories lasting a life time scattered; half in tact, half irreplaceable.

My family and I are forever grateful for the love, support, kind words and donations to help my mother and sister get back on their feet again.

I took the opportunity to get some psychological support to assist me with coping with the tragedy that I had unfortunately witnessed and the rippling affects that followed.

Bloggers. My family, as you would have read in previous posts, have not always been the best. Our relationships have always been ... conflicting.

After this tragic event, the bond and the connection and support between our family have been stronger than ever before.

Finally realising that despite what has happened in the past, we have all made our own mistakes and without each other, who else do we really have? 

We’re blood and although our experiences and views of each trauma may differ, we still went through it together.

Although there’s been so much going on in the last few years, we always need each other at the end of the day. 

Mother, brother and sister, I got you. 

People contributed to supporting through kind words, care packages and other donations. I’m speechless as it is.

I want you all to know, if you’re going through something similar to this or maybe even in another situation where you feel the same way, I am pushing with all that I have to stay positive. 

NEGATIVITY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.

Hope exists, opportunities arise every day. So many friends and strangers have reached out to offer help in ways we never thought existed.

Sometimes starting all over again, despite the circumstances, can be a new slate, a chance for more!

New you. New mind set.

I believe that with the help that I will receive from reaching out to a psychologist will give me the tools and the skills to once again get back on track to where I believe I should be. 

& remember so can you.

Will keep you all updated on how this next journey shall go x

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Will be publishing an email soon for anyone who would like to send in question about anything at all!

I might even do a Q&A blog and an open advice section included.

Sleep well my sweet souls