Listen and Let Go

 Can you tell my mind is once again swarming this week?

I haven't blogged this many times in such a short period in quite a while. 

I guess I've been reflecting a lot. Where I was a year ago or even three, seems like nothing but a black hole. An era filled with trauma where sadness and pain seemed to follow me wherever I would go. 

A demon resting ever so heavily on my back. The shackles on my feet. Disempowering me from being the woman that I was trying for so long to become but as always, was set back from being.

One of the only things in my life that stayed consistent, the one person that was there through it all.. my brother. 

From playing soccer barefoot in the bindy filled grass of Lowood to teaching me how to absolutely destroy those on the court in basketball.. He was Kobe and I was whoever his favourite player was that week, to running into each other on the street after being half a globe away. 

As you would have read in my previous posts (365 Without you), my brother left Australia for Japan. 12 months turned into an extended 4 years. Saying goodbye to the only person who had seen the chaos and the misfortune that seemed to cross paths every step our family made, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. 

He grew in ways over there that he never could have done here. I do see this.

3 other siblings and he and I are the only ones that share both of the same parents. 

I don't have a lot of support around me but my brother - He's the glue to the damages, the wings to an angel, the light in the darkness and the strength to your prayers. 

Everything I one day wish to be. 

Have you ever been viewed as one thing - painted as one picture and there's nothing you can do to change it?

Like an entire novel is being judged after reading just one chapter. 

The things that I know and the worlds that I have seen. 

Such beauty is being able to love and to flourish in such environments - to be able to remind myself to put new lenses on because sometimes what others want you see is not exactly what is.

For years I questioned what kind of a person I was. Without having my family in the picture, fending for myself for all those months, I somehow found a way to keep going. Life felt like one never ending hike. Wiping the sweat away, drip by drip, and allowing myself to feel everything it was that I had needed to feel.

Some days I was still like a person stuck under frozen water. Some days I screamed so hard it felt like I broke through some portal giving access to those in another dimension. 

Ever wanted a parent that didn't want you?

The worst part is, once upon a time they did. 

Yes, father, I am talking about you. 

From week long truck drives to Sydney and back, to fortnightly rituals of movies and eating out and making me get up at 7am every weekend and supply me with everything I could ever need and more. To nothing. Not a call, or a text, or help. 

The flames of a fire not even valid enough for a single "are you okay?" message.

But I'm fine.

Right?

Because 5 years.. 5 laps around the sun and I am alive, I am healthy and I have a roof over my head and a heart beat other than mine to care for. To love, to support, in the ways I once was but never will be, ever again. 

I became this strong, independent woman. From a seed, so small, precious and fragile to this firm, ever growing tree with branches filled with life and a foundation that is now stable enough to the support itself. 

Some days when the drought is about, it would be nice to be watered by someone else. It can be exhausting carrying all of these extra bags with no trolley. 

To have a mind with all of these thoughts, like a pond filled with fish, a thousand of them scattered in every corner. Unsure of where to go, what to do, can be draining.

Bloggers,

Take the time to process your deepest feelings. What once is will always be if you do not give yourself the opportunity to let it go. 

Years later I am still coming to terms with my past. 

It's really fucking hard, I know, to just turn it off like a switch and forget what has once happened and how it made you feel for so long. 

The ripple effect of someone else's actions. I know..

But that's what growth is.

I am now able to acknowledge these feelings before they become toxic and have a safe place to release them. 

Not only that, because I have worked so hard over the years finding ways to deal with and accept the past, it has given me an overall escape from the bubble it had kept me isolated in for so long.

No longer am I defined as what was and what had happened to my family and myself. 

No longer do my nightmares play on repeat like a broken record. 

I get sad sometimes. The drops fall from these leaves but of course that is life. To feel and to move on. 

The images flash behind my lids for a short moment and I let them go. 

Because holding onto the past.. onto the moments that hurt us only deters us from moving forward. From feeling love, to feel beautiful and powerful in our own bodies. 

This is for anyone that had their freedom, their power, their dignity taken from them without their consent. 

Who had to somehow find a way to just keep going knowing that someone took something from you that you didn't even realise existed in the first place.

For those that were abandoned by anyone; parents, partners or friends. 

Anyone who had to figure out who they are and who they wanted to be all by themselves. 

Like having to find Oz without a yellow brick road. 

Travel up creek without a paddle. 

To write with no storyline. 

There is always someone who understands and there is always people wanting to hear your story. 

Be the brave one.

You are the brave one. 

& I am so proud of you for being here today to be able to read this because you deserve nothing but a fruitful life.

If you were brought into this world under unfortunate circumstances, dealt the wrong cards from the get-go, then remember that it takes you to live the life that you have always dreamed.

Just you.. Believe that.

Goodnight readers. Until next time