For The Reds, The Yellows and the Greens

 This one is for all of you aware or unaware of the fact that you are your own worst enemy.

There's the woman people think you are, the woman you want people to see and the woman that you really are. 

Like a broken mirror, distorted. The image you see is not always the truth.

No matter how many faces you put on or how many problems you want to hide, at the end of the day you are you.

I suppose the hardest reality is accepting that.

You can't expect a lion to bark or a shark to walk. 

Humans can't fly and fish can't run.

The question here is, how do we accept who we are if the reflection is far from what we want to be perceived as?

What if the person you really are is so far from what others think of you.

The demolition derby to yourself.

The wrecking ball to your own brick walls.

Sigh.

Are you too afraid of lashing out? Repeating the same mistakes you seem to do so over and over, time and time again?

Struggling to receive attention and respect from those closest to you?

Wondering how anyone would ever be able to understand the masterpiece that is.

Like wandering an art show. Seeing people mesmerised by splashes of greens, reds and yellows. Confused as to how some people can see such beauty, such a story behind a confusing mixture of mess.

I guess they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

But, are you too wondering who that beholder will ever be?

I am no artist and I am no muse. Just the splashes of reds, greens and yellows. A concoction of mess.

Can people change?

Does this feeling disappear?

Or is it hereditary? Are some women and some men just moulded, shaped into what now is?

Does purity and beauty leave forever?

You are your own worst enemy.

It's true when they say we accept the love we think we deserve even if means we suffer in the mean time.

Like a human stuck under frozen ice unable to break through the surface.

Frozen in time and in fact frozen from giving ourselves the opportunity to believe we can and will be better.

We allow ourselves to accept that there is no point in change because we've accepted that we are who we are. You can take it or leave it.

Immobilising us from growing into the version of ourselves we wish to be.

This is probably where I should give you some uplifting advice about how to redirect your energies into the positive aura you wish to behold.

Although readers, I am still on that road trip myself.

Travelling from situation to situation just trying to find my place in the world.

To surround myself with people that love me for me and be able to live without fear of hurting those around us. 

Especially those without family or a good support system.

How do we come to terms with the fact that despite the love we have been without, there is a future with love to fulfil?

Will we feel at home again in our own skin?

One day will we not be the projects, the charity cases?

I don't know. I really don't. I can only hope and try. Try to do better than what we know. Try to accept what was and truly believe that we are not who we are told we are but in fact the person we wish to be.

The one we love to love. The person we want to be around. The skin I wish to live in each night.

But once again I shall put myself to sleep and I will wake up alone.

I guess normally that would be fine but sometimes it feels like this might be a forever thing.

Sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to be someone else.

To never have to relive the things that I have seen and the sirens that have sounded. The earthquake that is.

One moment I'm floating on cloud 9 and the next I am bewildered. Questioning with curiosity if something like this will ever be approved of or appreciated by another soul, another spirit.

Will someone gaze in my golden eyes the same way I do to them?

This doesn't even necessarily mean romantically.

A love between a mother, father and daughter is meant to be unbreakable. Yet here I am.

The product of dysfunction. The result of trauma after trauma. 

Highs too high to reach and lows as far as the tide.

Never ever the middle man and never ever the middle ground. All or nothing.

That's probably where I am going wrong. Take a step back and examine the bigger picture.

When you make movies you only see the scenes they take and even then can you imagine how often scenes are deleted, edited and replaced?

Again, in reality we can't skip to the good parts. We are messy. We are all the greens, the yellows and the reds.

Hell, some of us are fucking rainbows.

Splotches of greys and whites. Orange and blue.

Not all of us fit in between the lines. Not all of us fit into one box.

and not all of us are taught how to create art. We just simply are.

For all of you beautiful people wishing you had abilities that you do not or that you were the kind of person that enjoys something that you really hate, just remember that every artist has their own version of creativity and not every person enjoys the same artwork.

Some people paint, some draw, some film.. but at the end of the day we are all different shapes, sizes and types...

We are our own worst enemy.

I suppose the key is allowing yourself to love the chaos that is, the past that was and the future that could be.