I Conquered Me, Not You

 Woah.

For the first time in a long time these white sheets seem to suffocate me.

I had almost forgotten the sensation of a tight chest.

The inability for a full and complete inhalation.

Death...

Like the threat of taking ones life, ones OWN life is second nature. A first language. OK. 

What about the people that hear these words? I suppose we are all just pawns of your game.

When did mothers stop caring for their daughters? When did partners share secrets with the world? When? When did everything become so acceptable?

The leaves quivering in the winds of the chaos, the hurricane that subsides out my window. I too quiver at the mere thought that the one I have forever attempted to connect with is fading; shade by shade.

Lately, sadness is nothing but a distant memory. Betrayal, regret... it was a fire away and over a month ago.

Finally achieving everything that I stood in the way of, on my own, and once again having to be the superwoman, the saviour for the one that could never catch me fall.

You know that game where you fall backwards and your friends are supposed to catch you?

It's as if I warned and trusted my mother to "catch me" and instead I fell head first into the floor to be followed by her pulling the rug from beneath me.

Imagine a world where the one who created you despised you and all you hear is everyone else's encounters with her.

Everyone except you.

Like Arial when her father granted her permission to walk on land with legs.. From sea to sand, never able to return. 

Maybe my mother granted me permission to live my life apart too.

Ugh, the smell of Ipswich. The old architecture and the distance.. miles and miles away from the city of lights, beaches and home.

Maybe Ipswich will always be my home.

A time where love was unconditional and without boundaries. Where everyone was alive and healthy and the mere thought of distance was nothing but a bad thought.

Imagine becoming someone so unrecognisable, so different from before that you can barely look at your own reflection.

My reflection is something to be proud of and my mother -

Fearing immensely for the future of us all. Will she ever return home? Will she ever find a place to call home?

Confused and once again questioning what would it be like if we had of made one different decision. Like a domino effect, death, death, death, death and now more death?

More anxiety? More darkness? Why are all the "more"'s negative?

Bloggers, I got a job.

After the suffocating trauma that disempowered me from basically anything, I quit a habit I had for 4 years and found closure within my own skin.

I never really believed, after the decisions I had made in the last few years, that I would be this stable woman who no longer has a panic attack every time she would leave the house or hear something negative. I thought I was the negative to any positive charge.

I suppose I surrounded myself with people that made me think the worst of everything. Myself included.

The more time I spent alone and as the months went on, I actually liked the way I felt. The way I looked and how easy it was for me to remove toxic people that I thought I NEEDED but never did.

In reality, I was all I needed. It saddens me to think it took 22 years for me to see this clearly. It breaks my heart a thousand times over to think my mother has never learnt this lesson in over 45 years. 

Questioning the one I am supposed to look up to. Questioning what's true, what's a lie and what she really can't understand or see.

Always, always questioning.

Samara Ward is happy. 

But, for anyone without parents, or should I say, for anyone without parents that want them, there is always that nagging ponder. 

Is this a reflection on ourselves? Is this how others view me? If my mother can't love me, then who could?

That's why it's imperative to always put yourself first and be the support you never had because without it, you too could become the 45 year old woman, with no love, incapable of loving.

"Love is all consuming"...she says

Is the love of a child not the same or is that another term and condition for men only?

Is sex and drugs the love that is all consuming?

Scoffs.

The sadness disappears and the anger settles.

Fuck you.

For all the lonely children out there, you have this. 

My life has only skyrocketed since removing myself from a terrible situation and I AM GLOWING.

My insides no longer boil, my eyes are no longer drowning and my stomach has stopped churning.

No matter what they say or the actions they make, you and your happiness are all that matters.