I'm back.
Someone recently told me that the reason I have been so sick is because of my inability to express exactly what it is that I am thinking as of late.
In a million ways I think they're right although at first I had to question exactly what that might be.
Back into work full swing, actively working on my friendships and finally fitting into this version of I that I am loving all too much.
It seems as though every time I get back on my feet it gives me more opportunity to reflect on the past.
The events and the people that made me who I am today. The ones that shaped me and my beliefs.
In a way, although I feel my growth is at an all time high, the peak of any mountain top, there's those that I thought had gotten better that seem to be iller than ever before. Their normality becoming a distant memory.
Everything I ever believed in, was taught, from the moment I arrived into this world being turned upside down and told it was all a lie. This left me somewhat lost and made me question everything I had ever known although I have since learnt that their conclusion is not that of my own and I will stick to my heart and what it is that I feel to be my own truth.
Speaking with them is like a ghost, faded with unfinished business. Trying to stay but in reality they are more dead than I have ever witnessed before.
I thought my cries for help were no longer in the forefront of my mind but when I close my eyes these demons return a thousand times over.
I tried to not care. Although like a domino affect, the one that should have noticed, should have cared, once again does not.
Parenting a child that is not my own, feeding the mouths of those I cannot also afford but must because what is family without support and what is life with a burning hunger inside?
I too walked the same footsteps my little sister now does. The tragic part is that I had always thought I would be the first and the last of us all. I shall hold her hand through the rut and guide her to where we are now. The safe place. The refugees that we are.
My white stand up piano that my fingers played the keys like a poet writing a piece. The body of I swaying with the tunes I so effortless played. When the world of darkness was ever so consuming and I felt there was no one around to catch me when I had fallen, it was just me, my piano and the songs that I created.
Life now seems kind of like the piano songs I had once played although it is I that has escaped the immediate darkness. Only now am I just collateral damage from the one that birthed me.
Once upon a time I drowned my sorrows in wine and Xanax. Anything to forget, to never have to feel the fire that was set light to my skin. The fist that was clenched around my bleeding heart. The knifes thrown like darts in my back.
Anything to avoid the feeling of neglect or face the fact that I was unloved, unwanted and unneeded.
What a depressing excuse for a life.
Now, the mere thought of being so disconnected from the world we live in horrifies me.
The chains that held me captive in the darkest corners of this world, I finally mustered up the strength to break through. The toxic tendencies releasing me entirely and the desire to do and to be better is the aura around me.
I would rather toss and turn in my sheets each night like a helpless being than to numb myself of everything important; love, ambition, power.
Each day I wore a mask that was not of my own. The monster sitting on my shoulders denying me of my own personality. Of freedom.
Mothers day was 2 days ago. As of 6 or so years ago this day was a burden. Everyone was celebrating a love and a relationship with a woman I never had the opportunity of sharing this mutual experience with.
As of 2 years ago this horrid holiday became an even darker reminder of a love I lost that I wished I had.
To think my baby girl would be 2 years old! I thought time healed all wounds. Still questioning if my love for this child will ever escape me. Will the disappointment of the fact that I was not ready for my first child ever going to leave?
Would you call me crazy if I said I can feel her surround me sometimes?
I can feel the weight as if I were to truly be holding her.
Cradling my beautiful cat like she is the child I never gave birth to.
A mother in some ways but no longer in others.
to think my tiny, womanly body produced a human. My best friends both about to give birth I suppose is both a blessing and a heart ache for myself.
Being a mother was never in the books for me. It was never my pathway in life. Until it happened, it's all I've ever wanted. I would take back the aches, the constant vomiting, the crying pains all over any day if it meant I could sleep beside her each night and give her the unconditional love I have never received.
Oh Araura, what I would do to take back being the biggest mistake of your non extant life.
I wish she knew how much her mother loves her, even today.
In a chaotic and empty world it was you and I against it. You really were the light at the end of the tunnel, the rose between the thorns and the biggest blessing in disguise.
Mothers day. A forever reminder of you my baby girl. Samara will always hold you close to her heart, I promise.
Bloggers,
Sometimes in the storm you need to be the umbrella. The sunlight on a rainy day.
You are the author to your own story.
The water to your own garden.
There will always been a scary past and a confronting future but if you keep moving forward in the present, your future will glow as much as you do.
Opportunities have been arising all around me.
I am happy, I feel loved and I am finally going away this weekend after many years of isolating (and I'm not referring to COVID).
The time is NOW. Change is ready when you are and right now is my time to continue this amazing journey I have embarked on.
My past will always come back in the forefront of my mind but only to remind me of the strong woman that I am! Of the capabilities that I have and the world that I am about to conquer once and for all!
To the child that I was, Thank you, for guiding me into the woman that I am now.
For all that I have lost, I finally see all that I have gained. The power that is buried inside that will continue to grow. My arms that will extend to those and share love and compassion and advice for the broken hearted and the lonely.
I thank you God, for everything you have done for me.. All that you have taught and the courage that you gave me. I am ready once again to take back what is rightfully mine.
For the children I am to have, I promise I will be ready this time around and for the partner I am to have, I too will be ready for you; Unconditionally and with no doubt.
I have surrendered my burdens to my past and accepted what is now and what has been, can no longer be the bullets I shoot myself with. Punishment is no longer my second language but happiness.
For any of you who have ever felt abused or lost, there is always a way outside of your tunnel vision. Take the glasses off, look around, if needed, change your lenses. The world is actually a beautiful place.
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