Well, well, well.
2 hours ago I was supposed to lay it all out starting from my adventure to Sydney when I packed my bags and went to land of the freezing cold solo.
But, before I dive head first into the amazing, yet frightening journey that was, lets take a step back and reflect on the news I had just received.
This blog is for the women and the men who at some point had their power taken from them by ones they claimed to "love".
The girls and boys who had to call for help in the midsts of the ones that were supposed to protect them.
It's no secret I know first hand what it means to have to put up a fight and cry "love" a few sobs later.
How love and hate is such a fine line that we sometimes forget the difference. After growing up and looking back at these moments it's quite clear to me now, like looking through a magnifying glass, how toxic and dangerous and wrong it is to not see this line so clearly.
Tonight a young woman reached out to me as she too was a victim of the same man as I. Honestly it was a situation I hadn't thought about in a long time nor was it something I ever expected someone else to reach out to me about.
My head clouded with many opinions, battling my morals and my memories with the reminder of the growth I had to go through since.
Again, a fine line between advice and what I would do now that I have had the opportunity to separate myself from what was.
Bloggers, I want to tell you that if you are in a relationship with someone that physically or emotionally harms you in any way that you are not alone.
I've had to pick up many of my friends in many states; both mentally and physically - some images a brain can not erase like the rubber to a led pencil.
Some things stay with you forever even if the friendship has not.
I'd say these are the hard moments that we do hold onto because in these moments we remember what it's like to feel we have lost control of something we felt so strongly about.
Almost as if we are driving with a car full of our friends, following all the right road rules and just like my first car accident, someone else completely rail roads us. Intersecting our straight run so we all go crashing along with it. Leaving nothing but damages and memories we only wish to forget.
I do wish there was more that I could do, not only for myself but for example, the young woman who I didn't know before but do now. Maybe there was an opportunity for me to help her before it came to this point. My advice here would be to not broadcast the trauma you went through but if you do see someone that could potentially be in that situation that you were in, to respectfully reach out and inform them of the experiences that you had.
Follow this with support and give them the opportunity to come forth to you.
NOW,
Over the nitty gritty. Time for that Sydney trip that temporarily became a disaster but I somehow feel very excited that I buckled up, disregarded my fears and did it anyway.
For a moment I was scared and very lost. I felt like a fish just wobbling along in this huge ocean of a world.
I met a very uncomfortable being which without getting into detail was technically my fault. Me being me, I put myself in a situation I shouldn't have and I did not analyse it well enough.
But, me being me once again, I made the most out of what I had and even though there I stood at an airport for 7 hours, 4 being locked outside in the ice cold winds of Sydney, I wasn't afraid and I wasn't angry or depressed.. In fact, it was kind of exhilarating.
Just to know that I once again escaped a dangerous situation and alone. Always alone. However that isn't something that I fear anymore. In reality it was the best adventure I had embarked on in a very long time.
When you know you've got you, it's true when they say that is all that matters.
There I stood on Bondi Beach. The chilled breeze coursing through my hair. The smell of fresh air, the tastiest food I have had in a very long time and just the thought of knowing I am thousands of miles away from my home - even just for a little while.
Briefly, it was really.fucking.scary knowing I was so far from reach from anyone or anywhere that I even remotely knew but being an adrenaline junkie it's the unknown for me. Not really knowing what's going to happen next or where this beach will take me.
After falling short of an unsafe situation I packed my bags and ran as fast out of Sydney as I could. Jumping in an Uber before you could say "one moment, please".
The warm sips of my coffee after 12+ hours of being awake as the airport swarmed with travellers within 30 minutes, making me appreciate my courage and my journey to home that was about to be.
I'm ready to do it all over again.
Just to get on a plane, observe the magnificent scenery that surrounds us and just fly away.. to then return home again. The place where the sun keeps us warm and the smell of fresh air surrounds us entirely.
I think leaving makes you really appreciate where you're from just that much more.
It was only for a short while but coming home, tired as hell, I feel like once again my skin was shed.
Yet again, ANOTHER version came back even better than before with another experience and a thousand lessons more under my belt.
Unfortunately I can not tell you all the juicy details of what went on in Sydney last weekend but I can tell you this.. Samara Ward is brave. I continue to surprise myself. To remind myself that this rollercoaster is still riding along.
My journey has just begun. It reminds me of all the times that I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Someone I met down in Sydney said to me, "we always think a certain situation is the worst thing we have ever experienced until we survive it and then something else bad happens and we return to that thought that we won't make it and it's all about finding that one thing that helps us get through it in the end".
Similar to what I mean when I say a bad day only lasts 24 hours.
The amount of memories I have being bewildered and depressed in my bed sheets just counting the hours and the days down that it would all be over.
My tears flooding my room and weight dropping from my body like dominos.
I screamed "why me, God!?" more times than I can remember. At one point, or many should I say, I convinced myself that I was cursed. Truly believing that a demon actually made it their mission in their afterlife to mock me.
These are the traits we develop when we isolate ourselves from the courageous journeys that we don't know will take us anywhere.
When we hide from what could be, we don't, we can't.
It's all about jumping into the unknown, testing the waters, pushing ourselves to escape the comfort zone and be spontaneous.
You can't learn anything new from repeating what we already know. Especially if what we already know isn't good, healthy or beneficial...for anyone.
Bloggers,
I'm off to bed.
Remember, you don't have to sky dive out of a plane (although that does sound fun!) to start making courageous changes.
Simply doing something different than what you would on your average day is the first step.
I am so thankful for this stage I am in. It's almost comforting having no idea what's coming next.
Take the chance on yourself and free fall into the amazing adventure of life that I am now so deep inside.
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