You've got the Reins

 Hello Bloggers

Happy Hump day.

What a week it has been. Like a mirror standing in front of me, I have once again been reflecting profusely on the woman that I was, the struggles that were and the success that I am now on route to. 

This blog is for all the people seeing others in the hopes to disregard that lonely feeling and reminding yourself that you are not only loved but of all the things that people can appreciate about you. 

Did you too go many months watching the sun rise and fall reminiscing on the love that once was, that you now question if you will ever feel again?

Did someone that was meant to nurture you, accept you for all that is, leave you high and dry like the Autumn leaves falling after a wet Summer?

Did you walk the busy streets that surround you and forget what was outside of your tunnel vision?

Maybe even lose touch of everything colourful. The rain becoming comfortable and the ocean, never to be seen again?

Like crashing waves - out goes the tide, the swirl swallowing you up and dumping you carelessly. Of course we return anyway. No matter how hard the crash the feeling of being in the ocean is just that warming. Just that nurturing and just that comforting.

Are you too testing the waters?

Like Goldie Locks and the 3 bears.. Not too cold, not too hot, just right. Meeting friends, relations and just like the 3 bears, each bring something new to the table. Just like Goldie Locks, I too am finding what's too soft, what's too hard and what is just right.

While we are on the topic of childrens stories, just like Humpty Dumpty, some days I too feel like I have fallen off a wall and none of these kings could do anything at all.

That was of course until I realised I am the fairest of them all. As you are you, as are they. As are we.

My mind jumbled like a clown juggling in a circus with a million story ideas and creative concepts that I simply have no way to put to light. I am in fact STUCK.

Like an emu with a head in the sand, I am lost for words - well, never lost for words, but lost for direction.

Spending all these hours on my full time marketing job I am limiting myself from the time I dedicate to what I love most.. My writing.

Without the time I once had spare I question when I will return to the campaigns that set fire to my heart.

The one's that fuel me every day.

Bloggers, I have been ever so sick. This last month has been hospitals, doctors, medication after medication and I am trying with every last blood cell inside me to get better and I somehow nearly reach that point and my body decides to shut down again.

Pushing through like Spirit and the other horses dragging the train through the forest without a track, using the last drop of energy I have to something that doesn't fulfil my desires the way it should.

I feel free. With freedom comes responsibility to keep on track and on top of everything. How easy it is to be derailed by others, my illness and by our own actions.

My dreams still haunt me. Do you too close your eyes and see the chaos that your subconscious opens you up to?

Wondering which traumatic nightmare means what and why now? Especially when everything is well and good, I am opened up to this dark version of I and those around me.

& why is that I'm always being hurt. Is this what I really think of myself? Of those I surround myself with?

Waking up sweating, sometimes shaking with the memory in HD. I could create a movie, scene by scene with the images we wish to never see.

I am ashamed of my past. Some thing that I have done and ways that I have reacted. The moments I allowed my anger, jealousy and fears get in the way of so many great opportunities.

Do you too have a past that no one knows about that only you hold onto forever?

Unable to share the truth with anyone. The countless stories and actions that you have made that would make 8 year old you ashamed but you felt you had to in trying times out of comfort, out of taking a leap of faith or from relying on all the wrong people and vices.

Again, so proud of this never ending growth that has overpowered any other emotion.. I feel like nothing and no one can put me back in the place that I was. That prison cell of a life. That depression that conquered me entirely. 

I made it and I want you all to know that you can too. 

Times can be rocky but let me clarify this; nothings lasts forever and the power is in your hands. 

You control your life and when you feel like you are losing it, pull in the reins and ride that saddle back on track. 

This is your life, people can only take over if you allow them to