The Next Journey Awaits

July.

The month I feared the most.

It seems every year in the month of July I have lost everyone I had once loved and watched them pass on to the heavens above.

It's almost as if this season is cursed. As I spend my moments mourning those that have gone and facing another month of grief, trying to accept and learn what once was that has now gone, I now expect only the worst of what could be.

Someone I work with mentioned moving to Sydney to be closer to the office. (a state away from where I am). 

6 months ago I would never have considered such an abrupt and life-changing move.

Leaving all that I know, feel comforted by and feel close to is one of the hardest experiences I could imagine.

I'm the kind of person that physically can not say goodbye.

When my brother left to live in Japan or when I left those I spent just a week in Canberra with (which you can find if you search my blog), it had felt like a part of me was somewhere else.

Like a snake shedding its skin. Although a new layer will develop and it will return to its former self, letting go just wasn't in my nature.

What if everything changes in 6 months?

What if I hate it? Or even worse, what if I love it?

All of the relationships, the friendships I have built here - No cries for help, no way home.

I'm packing my bags and I won't be coming back... at least for a while.

Everything I have ever blogged about in the last 5 years will be thousands of miles away from the place I call "home".

Like a flower, I believe it's taken till now to nearly bloom.

My seed was planted and I hadn't been watered or cared for in such a long time. From my parents, my friendships, my relationships, and even myself.

I never truly believed I was worthy or capable of achieving as much as I have in such a short while.

As tears fall its as if the flood gates were opened and I let go of what was and I prepare myself for the journey that is about to be.

I don't know what Sydney will bring for me. 

I don't know who I will end up as, as a person.

All I know is that there is nothing left for me on the Gold Coast.

Fish only grow as big as their environment.

My fear of moving is nowhere near as intense as my fear of failing in life.

With nothing but examples of exactly who not to be, I am left with only the courageous act of packing up and leaving.

Not even a single goodbye or good luck message from my father. One of the only people I guess I really wanted to support me all the way.

Every time I feel alone I tell myself, "This is it, Samara."

I tell myself that this feeling will come and go over the next 6-12 months, to get used to it and accept that this is growth.

Thinking I was an adult before now was invalid.

For now, God tests me and my strength.

I've faced many hurdles in my life. Being homeless, without family, food, and love, and slowly, over the years building this incredible foundation and an aura that only the best people can break through.

Now, I'm taking the leap to swim - to dive head first into unknown waters where I know nothing and no one in order to be the best version of myself.

Maybe when I return home they'll be proud of me.

Proud of me for doing everything they couldn't.

I'm not moving countries but maybe my father will appreciate me the way he does my brother.

I never completed my university degree like I had promised myself I would but maybe, just maybe, this is the one job I'm really successful at.

With my blogging, Operation Defrost and Seasons by Samara creative campaign, I can change the lives of many. Maybe even inspire people that were in the darkest of places like I was, to do and to be the men and women they knew they could be but briefly forgot.

For a while, I thought I was a dreamer and not a do-er.

That was until I cut ties with those that brought nothing but tragedy into my life, quick smoking, other bad habits, and gave myself the opportunity to believe in myself.

For a long time, I thought I was stuck. Like I couldn't follow the success of my brother and that I was in fact a replica of my mother.

Everyone closest to me feeding me nothing but insults and eventually I set myself up to fail. Self-sabotage if you will.

I went from 42 kgs to 56 kgs.

From being too anxious to walk to a shop alone or making the initial contact with anyone to thriving in conversations.

For years I didn't take a photo. Scrolling Instagram and other social media accounts and feeling like Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

Unloved, undervalued, and unappreciated.

Seeking love, value and appreciation in all the wrong places.

Broke, insecure, and underfed.

Depression and anxiety crippled me.

Now, the only that I am afraid of most is once again, that final goodbye to the ones I truly love most.

The rolling sound of my suitcase wheels.. The sound of the plane jets fighting as I am lifted into the clouds.

This is it.

A new adventure awaits.

The final touch, the last goodbye.

Sitting in an empty apartment with no one else in sight.

Will I make new friends that love me the same?

Will I make more?

I'm excited to see what is next in store for me.

Another chapter to the greatest novel you will ever know.

After the fire, the crippling smell of burning plastic - choking on smoke.. paralysed from the neck down but also racing like Usain Bolt to save my mother, I didn't think this hand I have since been dealt was on the table. 

Bloggers,

If you too fear the moments like these; the tears that come with leaving or stressing about failing and making the wrong decision, I want you to remember that you are capable of all that you set your mind to.

If you leap, you could fall. But, you could also be rewarded in ways you never though imaginable.

You never know unless you try.

Maybe saying goodbye to the old and allowing the new to come into your life will bring you nothing but positivity.

Bloggers,

I am so afraid but I am so happy to show you all the next steps I will take.

Until then, sleep well.