Welcome back readers, bloggers, and all of you that come to my space.
There's something I've been trying to write about for some time but constantly rewrite and delete because I feel I can't express it in the way that I would like.
Growing up with a new father figure every few years and having such traumatic experiences with the majority of them has set my mind on a different journey than what I assume most people would call "normal".
After I lost Araura, or should I say after I let her go, settling down and finding happiness and stability within myself has been a priority. Moreso a promise I made to her and I.
A question I find myself asking a lot is, is love a good enough reason to bring a child into this world or finding someone that I know I will love less but support me always and be the father figure for my child that I feel I am now without?
With love comes a violent passion. In my experience, love has felt like a constant battle between security and an infinite desire to be close to them in every way imaginable. With an intensity like mine, in every aspect, it can be a lot.
I am a magnet for the worst kinds of love. The strongest and most unstable ones gravitate towards me.
In my eyes, if you can handle me long enough you're someone I hold close. Like a child with her favourite toy. I can never let it go.
All I can think of as of late is babies.
It frightens me to death. It's in my nightmares and every waking thought.
What if the person I want to be the father of my child leaves us both?
I'm well aware this is only on my conscience because of my childhood and the number of men and women that promised to stay but walked so effortlessly out of my life.
But, that's all I have to go off of. Those are the textbooks and the movies that I am learning from.
You know, I would get so frustrated at my mother for leaving her partners after such a short time when all her loves, at the moment, were as tough as thieves and as magical as those in movies but within a short time became the demons we all still live with.
Now I thank her. For without her walking away we would all be stuck in a situation that we'd feel we could never escape. One man at a time, falling like dominoes or Autumn leaves, but now a blessing in disguise for we all found a way to walk away from something we deserved more out of.
Why do I fear a relationship?
That's simple.
I don't want to make the same mistakes.
I don't want to rush into something when I'm still hiding behind a mask. A million stories of traumatic events and family and friendships sank like the Titanic.
One moment all is well and the next I'm on a lifeboat, just hoping to make it to the other side where the grass is greener.
I've also let a lot of people down. Ones I never wished to have hurt in the first place. Ones that I too promised I never would and eventually did so.
Bloggers,
I'm battling with myself every day in the last week.
Is this someone I want to settle down with? Or is it the one that hurts me but provides me more laughter and brings out all sides of myself. Even the psychotic ones. The ones I know exist but for everyone else I am still too ashamed to show.
Like I'm in performing arts playing so many faces. A game of Guess Who?.
Sitting on a see-saw.
Someone new on one end and something old on the other.
Do I deserve more than what I have set my mind to?
If I leave, will I find something God and all of those that have passed, wanted for me?
Or am I stupid to ignore the signs?
I decided I don't want to play games anymore. I don't want to be that clueless teen that makes mistakes as often as my mother.
I want to be the woman I told myself I would be as a young girl.
With the man with qualities that I want my child to fall in love with like I.
I don't want to decide right now about where I want to end up in 5 years because I'm still trying to figure out where I am and where my stand is in this world.
I've dated men into spirituality who wanted me to learn all about energies and the universe but the connection wasn't there because I felt I had to hide who I really was and how I was feeling.
I've dated men who turned out to only have 1 motive - sexual agendas.
I've dated men that only like the image of a perfect relationship rather than actually listening to me and the standards I had and what I wanted out of it.
I've dated men that actually care about me and wish to learn about who I am but it began to feel like a life coach rather than a partner.
I've dated men that bullied me, degraded me but would passionately tell me how in love they are with me.
I've dated men that seem like they have good intentions in mind but I have pushed away in fear of it being a lie. Another face. Again, me deflecting my insecurities onto them.
I sailed the seas for a while to test the waters.
To see where the canoe will take me and so far I still stand without a paddle wondering who the one will be to reach their hand out and assist with nothing but pure and genuine intentions.
All I want is to be respected, listened to, and valued. As I'm sure most of you do.
That's what a "healthy" relationship is, right?
I don't want to fall in a well and drown myself.
It's like the devil and an angel are resting on my shoulders.
It's not even just me I'm worried about. I don't want to ruin my child's future before it even begins.
I made the biggest mistake of my life saying goodbye to Araura and I don't want to have to repeat that ever again.
I still remember waking up drenched in tears thinking I was a murderer. I hated myself for my decision.
Part of me wishes every day that I had that back.
The chance to do it right. Really try other alternatives.
I've been introduced to so many caring people in the last few months. Ones I know will hold me deeply and what seems like they would stick around forever but I've seen the beginning of "forever" and all I can promise from those words is that nothing lasts and I have seen this firsthand.
I want to be perfect. A perfect worker, campaign creator, author, wife, and mother.
Right now, I don't think I'm there.
I'm not any of those things but I am working on it. Every day training my mind and body to be the woman I want to become.
It's not my journey just yet, but it will be.
Success in my career and accepting the woman that I am and the strength that I have is so imperative.
One day, when I am certain of how I feel, I will pursue all the things I fear most. I will be strong enough then and even if I am alone, I'll be ready to conquer it by myself with no sadness or baggage, or regret.
I will be that woman. The one I promised to be.
For now, for my ladies and gentleman that might be feeling the same way, Just remember that your time will come when God knows you're ready or when fate does - whatever it is that you believe in.
Everything happens for a reason, life is a constant change. Change is inevitable. If you're not changing you're doing life wrong.
My hand goes out to anyone feeling a little confused, baffled, or lost.
I had limited people pull me out of the safe-house when the world felt like it was collapsing and here I am today. Finally able to speak out and share parts of my story with you all.
It's not easy being a young woman. Expectations of where you should be.
Women that graduated with me just a few years ago having babies and getting married to people you can clearly see have an infinite love for one another.
Sure, it hits the heart sometimes. It makes you wonder why them and not you, right?
Is there something we should be doing differently?
The answer is no.
We create our path and our journey and when it's right and the time in here, I'm assuming you just know.
Embarrassingly, maybe because I wanted it so badly, a time ago someone I was with for many years took me to a took a look out. Something we never do. He had asked me to get out of the car to look at the stars and I admit for a brief moment I questioned if that were to be the moment he was to get down on one knee. He didn't and he never was.
Being so young, I felt almost humiliated that I was so wrong and yeah, I felt a little disappointed that it wasn't the case but it made me question again if it's because he was never the right person to begin with.
What a sappy post.
But, it's the raw truth and nothing but that.
I just want to be genuinely happy and be with that person you can be all 8 split personalities with (haha).
If you know me well, that was very fitting.
My moods change as often as I get hungry - Which is a lot.
Bloggers, apart from this love story I have finally started reaching some personal goals of mine.
Working full time, my personal creative campaigns are off to a lovely start and I went from 42kg's to 55kgs.
The biggest I have been in many years.
The skin and bone I was mocked for, ashamed to stare at myself naked in the mirror has finally changed.
Feeling better in my own skin and appreciative for the journey I have been on to get here.
My mind after quitting an addiction for over 2 months now has made me see the world clearly. For the first time in what feels like years, I am so proud of the steps that I took to get here.
From overdosing, praying for my mother to show up to the hospital and she never did, to earning a life-changing income, showing love to those that love me back, and being the mother of a beautiful cat that fills my heart with something - a filler for the void that was gaping inside of me for so long.
From nightmares every single night to a relatively peaceful sleep.
I'm not quite there but I am on the right track and even I slip in the next few days, weeks, or months, I know I have the strength and capability to get back up as I know you do too.
Always remember that you've got this.
Sometimes it feels like this dark tunnel is never-ending and we suffer; sometimes in silence and a lot of the time with obvious cries for help that often go unnoticed.
But, from living this life first hand I know anything is possible and you can achieve everything you've been pushing back due to fear because you are powerful, you are beautiful and you are strong.
No one can take that away from you unless you give them the opportunity to do so.
SO DO NOT FORGET THIS! Because no one has the right to take away your self worth, respect and values. NEVER sacrifice yourself and your beliefs in fear of losing someone because you are all that you need.
When the right people, friends and partners come into your life, I'd like to believe you just know.
They will love, accept and appreciate you just the way you are. Even if you don't see it. I believe in you.
Goodnight my beautiful men and women x
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