A Facade

 Welcome back. 

Bloggers, I do admit that I portray this facade. One that is to say that I have it all figured out. That every step I take is calculated and theoretically, this is true but I can promise you everything seems to fall into place its own way and in its own time. 

On the outside, I give off this aura that I am capable of anything. I suppose this is a way to shield myself when the plans or goals I have turn south. 

I suppose when you fall down as many times as I have, all you can do is be strong. Like a World Gym member after 5+ years of training day in and day out. 

Sometimes when I stare at my 4 white walls, nothing but miles and miles away from a familiar face, there's a blossoming hope that someone will see straight through me. 

Transparency isn't something that comes easy for me. Although I share my in-depth experience with the events that make me, Samara, I often find myself hiding. Never really sharing the full story of anything. 

Handing people only part of the puzzle pieces prevents them from seeing the full picture. 

Some thoughts don't need to be shared. 

Riding the winds, a leaf adrift, I too am going with the flow with a calculated end result. 

Trying to put one foot in front of the other without falling face-first into quicksand. I've learnt, as you know, right now there is no one in this entire world that can reach their hand out to save me. 

Power and success seem to be the only security that I am seeking, that I am aiming for. 

Without it, we just exist. We just cope. I don't want to just survive but I do want to live.

Imagine being a pilot... this enormous mechanical creation is controlled by you. You are literally powering a flying machine that can take you anywhere. Clouds aren't even the limit. 

As I always say, hard work pays off and everything will happen when the time is right. 

Sometimes we have to let go, all or nothing, and allow the universe and our emotions to do what they need to do so we can arrive at the place that we are meant to be.

This comes with struggle and rewards. Great days and horrible ones too. 

I have also learnt that my sarcasm is also a shield. A reflector for being serious and for allowing others to understand how I truly feel. 

With a brain as exotic and extraordinary as mine, words can come out misleading or deceiving. 

When you're a lot of everything and a little more 'extra' than most people, you have to watch what is being expressed. Constantly having to pause and consider what I am about to say out loud. 

They say we have freedom of speech but just because you can doesn't always mean you should.

People don't have the ability to crush you like you're paper or discard you like you're trash if they never really know where they stand to you or how they make you feel.

No longer do people know how much they mean to me because of the countless amount of times that I was left, mistreated and isolated. A different kind of isolation than a lockdown. One much more powerful, damaging and degrading. 

But once again, I do wish that someone would take over the reins. Being strong all the time for myself and those around me is exhausting. Even when I'm alone in a room for weeks on end. 

Having to pick yourself up on repeat like a broken record drains you in other ways. 

I can do it. I am happy to keep doing it. Don't get me wrong, I don't need anyone or anything. I've been perfectly fine all these years figuring out how to do life on my own. Figuring out how to entertain me, not collapse is complete and utter sadness. How to want or need something and to get it done without wasting time, making excuses, and beating around the bush.

If you want something in life and if you want it done right, do it yourself. 

That is definitely something I live by every day. 

Lastly,

since moving to Sydney a few people from my past that I left at home that I thought I'd never escape from have reached out to me repeatedly. Like an old, sad song you forgot about that you hear on the radio and all you want to do is play it again just to hear what it sounds like. I guess I'm trying to say that despite them reaching out I have tried my hardest to deny them. To not press play on a song I stopped listening to a long time ago.

I remember clearly now why I was in the headspace that I was in. The people that caused it and the events that took place leading up to my decision to move away. Or at least the contributing factors. 

I just want you all to know that it's a lot easier to say goodbye and to walk away from what we once loved but know isn't right when you find something better, or somewhere better. 

Sydney is this huge land compared to the Gold Coast and there is a million more opportunities to grow and to meet new people. The one thought that excites me most is I am a couple months away from surrounding myself with fresh faces, better friendships and a stronger me. A happier one too. 

Say goodbye to everything that doesn't lift you up. Walk away from something you are unsure of because when you are sure you will know. No questions asked. 

Bloggers,

everything is going to be okay and for the first time in a long time I am okay with change. I'm actually excited. These feelings are exploding from my body. I made it and I am making it. For once I really believe my hard work is paying off even though there has been a million obstacles in my way.

Only you can stop yourself from the things you wish to achieve x