Pass The Test

 Bloggers,

I finally snapped.

Even the strongest of people have their weak moments.

I feel like someones beaten me down into nothing but a pile of skin and bones.

Life is throwing the hardest punches of them all.

You know, 5 weeks in isolation, I thought this morning I had finally gotten this under control. 

I thought I had found my place in this giant city and walking through Chatswood earlier it felt like I was in the right place.

As I always say, what is success without someone to share it with?

1 week, 2 weeks, 5 weeks, now maybe 10 more?

Somehow I made a friend here. One I probably shouldn't have.

One that doesn't have the freedom to do as they wish.

So I guess most of the time it feels like I am alone.

You all know I am not one to break, well I am, but again this facade to be this all-powerful independent woman has once again failed me.

At times I remember what it is like to feel the pressure on my skin of someone else. To laugh uncontrollably at something that brings me nothing but joy. 

These are the memories that not only make me happy but allow the tears to pour from my from my eyes.

I still believe this is where I should be but I never imagined it being so hard.

Leaving my friends and family behind wasn't so difficult because I truly thought I would be home soon.

The last hugs and tears that I had shed and shared would have been endured so much deeper if I had known I'd never really know when I was coming back.

How many conversations can you have in your head? How many empty moments can you play inside that never happen?

How many bottles of wine before you don't feel so god damn empty inside?

How can an MP or government allow themselves to do this to a mass amount of people?

This isn't living, this isn't fair.

It makes me question if I hadn't undergone the procedure that I did, if I truly thought I could deal with that issue and go through isolation alone - Who would I be, and how would I feel right now?

I knew I would be locked down for a while but I suppose I didn't expect time to extended this long.

Often I tell people that they are not alone and to ask when they need help and it will come available.

Yet why is it that I never have anyone to reach out to? Why am I always the provider of answers but no one can assist me?

Why am I always the strong one?

I can't always bear the weight. I can't always be the superwoman I wish to be.

These lonely nights turn into hurricanes of confusion, or pain. I am to suffer in silence and suffer alone.

Drowning like a body under bricks, unable to share these insufferable feelings with anyone. 

I am and will always be alone until the restrictions lift.

Every decision I am to make is completely made from my concoction of countless thoughts.

A few years ago I would have to question if I were to make it out alive and now I know I will.

Although knowing I will just survive suffocates me.

I need more than survival.

Please, dear God, give me something. A sign, a piece of hope, a piece of peace.

I just saw my brother wants to leave the country yet again. While I am here, this time around I won't have time for a goodbye. 

1 year turned into 4, and that was by choice. Would you really leave me again?

Is that selfish?

You can't leave me again.

All the moments, the good and the bad that were missed. I can't handle that alone even though I already am.

You can't do this to me. For a woman? A girl?

What about family?

I can't deal with mum on my own. Heidi can't. We can't.

I'm not there anymore. Without you, Heidi is all aolne.

Bloggers,

We all break. Like a pencil, sometimes we are shaven so far down that we cease to exist. 

Although the smaller the pencil, the harder it is to snap even if we have been shed so small.

Tonight is extremely difficult although I know I will still make it out on the other side with no help whatsoever.

What doesn't kill us really does make us stronger.

I knew when moving here that my strength would be put to the test. Prepared for whatever hard times were ahead no matter how lonely I were to feel.

Tonight is one of those nights.

As I toss and turn in my sheets with nightmares haunting me, I will still be Samara Ward and I will still conquer all that comes my way.

Just remember when you feel like I do that even lonely nights only last a couple hours and these hard moments will be over soon.

Wipe those tears away and remember who you are. Because you are capable of anything.

When I am sad or distressed I stare in the mirror and repeat, "you are beautiful, you are successful and you are loved."

Over and over again until it sinks in.

Even if sometimes that's 5 of 25 times.

Eventually it hits home.

Goodnight bloggers,

May you breathe through the unbreathable.