Here From Afar

 I came to Sydney with a mission.

A mission to achieve something better than what I was on the Gold Coast,

In my career, my friendships and relationships.

Week 6 is approaching and I feel like I haven't reached the step that I had hoped.

Doubt is creeping in - fear. The fear of failure is luring. 

Feeling like a fish underwater, waiting for someone to hook me to use me as the irrelevant capture that I am. 

I repeat, "You will fall, you get back up and you keep going. You will be rewarded for your efforts."

Drowning, being dunked a million times over in the same dirty water, I can do this, right?

I left everything I ever loved, ever knew - I gave myself up for nothing. For something, right?

I will be rewarded, right?

Someone will see the journey I have taken, right?

Please, promise me, right?

I can't do this jail time alone any longer.

On my knees, pleading, please.

Give me something.

I am strong, but I am not invicinable. 

I cry, I break, I snap, I scream. 

Doctors after doctors, hospital visit after hospital visit. 

Abandonment for years, friendships broken like houses in a tornado. 

God, I know I am strong but I lied. I am not Superwoman. 

My knees are basement deep. My hands are sky-high.

I am at my peak. There's only so much pretending one can take. One can do. 

I am not the Mystery Inc. I don't know what has been planned.

I came here to be successful and I know this is a test like no other.

I know being alone is nothing but you teaching me how to be independent.

I know having no one by my side when I crumble is you teaching me strength.

But for tonight, I don't know how much strength I can muster up. 

Will I really be stronger in the end?

Or is this to teach me that sometimes we don't always win? 

Right now, I feel like I'm losing.

Like everything I had ever earnt or loved has been taken from me like I am being punished.

Am I supposed to feel like I am being punished? Did I do something wrong?

I know I've done something wrong recently but I don't want it to be frowned upon because it made me happy.

It made me forget about everything that was going on right now.

Like I was being rewarded, appreciated. Even if it was by someone or something that wasn't mine to take. 

Success. All I want is to go home and to prove that I had made it. 

Why are you making my hard work go by unseen?

Why am I still fucking alone?

Why the fuck am I still typing the same God Dam sob story?

I didn't have everything back at home, but I had more than this. 

This heart break hanging from my chest. This isolation made me feel like I am an alien in my own skin.

Waiting for people to reply, the same people I didn't give a damn about before this lockdown. 

My feelings changing like temperatures.

One minute I am ice cold to be as reactive as dynamite.

The anger ever so consuming. 

HOW DARE THEY TREAT ME LIKE THIS!?

But I am Samara Ward, and I am not phased by those that wish to disrupt me or not appreciate the person that I am. 

So why do I crumble now?

Isolation. 

It's dangerous.

I miss you so much. 

I hated you for what you had done to me over the years. Your pictures appear everywhere.

I sleep, I wake, your face is in my nightmares.

The demon that never leaves. 

You haunt me. 

I am never really alone when my nightmares are on repeat every time I close my eyes. 

Family, I miss you more than anything. Hating your irratic behaviors in the past seems to be the only norm. The only thing that reminds me of home. 

Maleficent, it crushes me to think of you. I have failed you time and time again. 2 weeks turned into 3 months and I still can't get home.

You were in my life to fill a void that I couldn't and now this hole has doubled in size and you and nowhere in sight. 

Seeing your videos destroys me. 

All I want to do is cradle you like the child you are and remind you who loves you most because I promise, despite my absence, only I love you the way that I do. Only I will ever have your back the way I do. 

I am your mother. I wish you understood what that meant to me.

I wish these stupid MP's would allow me to hold you again. 

Mumma's coming home, baby girl. I'm sorry it has taken so long and I wish you understood the lengths I was going through to keep you safe. 

You are the only being keeping me sane. 

Knowing that you are all that I really have.

 I love you Maleficent, Araura and my other baby. 

Mumma is sorry, from the bottom of her heart that she couldn't be the woman she prayed to be.

I can promise you this, I will return like never before and my presence will shock you like lightening, like the Storm I was meant to be named. 

Samara, Storm, whatever you know me as, will always be the winner. I will always make up for the time that was lost because my love for you all is ever so consuming and my affections could fulfill you for multiple lifetimes.

I got you my babies. Time will only prove me right. Hang in there, I am watching from afar and pulling all the strings to make sure you live only but the best life imaginable (until you're in my arms again).

Goodnight all, Mara loves you x