Calling for Clarity

 Sunday evening and for some reason, I feel drawn to the need to write. 

I suppose when I feel a little lost, a little empty, or even extremely happy, this seems to be the space I run to. 

Strolling through Chatswood, Sydney today I was in awe of the buildings that surrounded me. For a brief moment, I remembered what I came here for. 

The adventures I was ever so excited to explore. Although I was significantly lost, a fish in open waters, I had felt like I was doing something right. Maybe this really is the place to be even when it is hard to see it some days.

Something feels different, I feel different. Sydney now feels like the place I am gravitating towards. Maybe the Gold Coast is my visiting destination and in fact, I am home. 

The more I think about it the more it makes sense. Like completing a puzzle I never fully saw the whole picture of. 

When I go back to the Gold Coast I don't have a home anymore. Sure, my loved ones are there, but somehow, I created a life for myself from nothing. The support and strength of my own emotions holding me together. 

Reminding myself that I am Samara Ward and I can do whatever I set my mind to. I guess you could say that's my superpower. 

I had to make a life-changing decision just a week into my move here. Something that I never ever thought I would have to face once again. Fear poured from my pores. Tears too. It had felt like I was on my knees, screaming for help. Just hoping, praying that anyone could hear me. Save me. No one did. 

No one could.

I refuse to complain about being "stuck" and "isolated". 

The one thing that I do miss that I'm starting to realise might have nothing to do with my location of residency but being around someone on the same level as me. 

Someone who understands the serious side of things but can also laugh at the world passing by. 

"If you leap, you could fall. But, you could also be rewarded in ways you never thought imaginable". - Samara Ward

Someone quoted this back to me. There's something about sharing these words that fulfill me. 

Like I'm fueling a car with only the best petrol or wearing an expensive outfit that makes you feel like you. 

Drinking tequila, being able to speak to someone, something shifted. 

Maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to believe the words that I say. 

Sometimes I write and I wonder if I'm convincing my audience or myself. 

My dad called me yesterday. I can't remember the last time he had called me. In the same fell swoop, my mother answered on the 3rd ring (that's a first!), followed by a random message from my brother. 

Distance seems to be the only thing working in my favour. 

Small doses, right? Otherwise, we become, or we are too much. 

Too excited, too spontaneous, too angry.

I keep thinking about the fire again. Going through old memories on my phone to remind me of that laughter that explodes whenever I am alone or in good company. 

Reminding myself that I am a happy person. Maybe a little too loud, a little too boisterous and a little free but I am me. 

You are you.

Never change that. Never allow others to either. 

You are uniquely different in all the right ways. 

Staring at my reflection, I used to hate what I saw. 

I hated that I didn't look or sound or feel like everyone else. 

The amount of 'phases' I had gone through. It was like scrolling Netflix and having so many options, I was a comedy, a horror, thriller, and romance. Changing every week. 

Goth, emo, hipster, classy. 

Until one day I stopped trying and I have never felt more wholesome in my skin than ever before. 

Does that come with age? Wisdom? I couldn't tell you. 

But, over the years, a lot has changed. 

Not just my appearance but the way I see the world and the way I act upon it. 

I realised letting go and trying less has its benefits. 

I let people go and allowed the right ones to gravitate towards me and I said goodbye to the worst versions of myself and found ways to grow and create a new. 

A new life, new beginnings, new stories, and new relationships. 

Bloggers,

my advice to you would be to travel this journey until you find a place that feels like home. 

Even if it takes you across the world or you find yourself just a few doors down. 

Stop trying for the perfect anything and just be you. 

Don't try and be what society expects you to be.

Make decisions based on how you feel, not others.

I can promise you, even after your darkest days, the light with appear, and the positive feelings will settle in.

Only then can you sit back, relax and say "I did it" and "now everything makes perfect sense".

Ride this storm until you realise why you started this journey in the first place.

Forever & always,

Samara x